lolkoran

Happee krissmiss

2009-12-25T00:33:00.000-08:00

Allah Bunneh

2009-11-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

Ewww

2009-04-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

LOL. Interpreting, u iz doin it rong!

Sura 37, Drinks in Heaven

2009-03-18T18:13:00.001-07:00

45. Round will be passed a cup from a clear-flowing fountain,
46. crystal-white, of a taste delicious to those who drink thereof,

47. free from headiness; nor will they suffer intoxication therefrom.

LOL

2009-03-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

Okay

2009-02-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

OK, here are the results of the poll.
It'll keep going, ...

POLL

2009-01-28T05:57:00.000-08:00

There's a new poll in the sidebar. Please vote on it.

The administrators of this blog are having some difficulties, that make it hard to continue this blog, and maybe more important we are kind of burned out. Contrary to our expectations when we started reading it, the Koran is boring, repetitive, and very very NEGATIVE, which is exactly the opposite of lolkittehs. Translating it has become a constant struggle. Maybe we should give it up and leave it to other people who are more favorably disposed to the book. Maybe ... I dunno, what?

the Polytheists

2008-12-25T21:20:00.001-08:00

6:77 When Ibraham saw the moon rising in splendour, he said: "This is my Lord." But when the moon set, He said: "unless my Lord guide me, I shall surely be among those who go astray."

the Pronominal System of Lolcats

2008-12-22T21:24:00.001-08:00

(Caution: The following post is rated high in nerdliness. Non-geeky people may want to skip it and scroll down. Funny cat pictures there.)

Lolcat has been called a new language, the first language born of the internets. As with any new language, one must study it and record it. One must! Or maybe not, but anyway I recorded all the pronouns in a big sciencey amount of lolspeak from the acknowledged experts at I Can Haz Cheezbrgr, until I had a thousand pronouns*.

iz moar:

Lolcats don't have a standard form like hyoomins, they talk on a continuum with standard English at one end. English speakers always say I, but lolcats tend to say ai—but only 59% of the time. Another 38% of the time they say I, and occasionally even iz**. When to use ai or I is a secret known only to kittehs, but it seems to have something to do with cutitude, an important aspect of kitty pidgin.

Here are all the kitteh's Personal Pronouns:

	First Person

	Subject (English I)		Object (English me)

	lolcat	%	lolcat	%

	ai	59	me	92

	I	38	mi	4

	Iz	1	meh	4

	Second Person English you (subject or object)

	lolcat	%	lolcat	%

	yoo		34

	u		29

	yew		16

	yu		14

	you		6

Third Person
Subject			Object
Engl	lolcat	%	Engl	lolcat	%
he	he	50	him	him	54

	him	8		hims	8

	hee	3		heem	8

she	she	37	her	her	100

	seh	3

And here are their Possessive Pronouns:

1st person singular (English my)			1st person plural (English our)
lolcat		%	lolcat		%
mai		42	our		66
my		25	ar		33

mah		19

2nd person (English you)
lolcat			%
ur			68
yer			11
yur			11
your			7
yore			4
3rd person
singular			plural
Engl	lolcat	%	Engl	lolcat	%
her	her	100	their	dur	66

his	hims	100		their	33

So there you go. More lol-lessons, so when you make your own lols, no one will say Ur Doin it Wrong. Also remember the best font is Impact, white, and Serifs--Do Not Want!
------------------

*About 3/4 of my pronouns were 1^st or 2^nd person personals, so the numbers for the rest will just be unreliable unless someone immune to tedium does this for several million words, or I get a huge fat research grant, Not in cheeseburgers.

**(warning: geekitude!) Interesting, to me anyway, is that this doesn't seem to be a contraction of I is. It is most often generated by combining a legitimate 1^st person form Iz with a copula deletion rule, so that English I am in your X → Iz is in ur x → Iz (e) in ur X → [Iz in ur X].

Koff! Koff!

2008-12-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

Naym of chapdr 50 is Koff. O Noes! Kitteh has a cold.

iz moar:
1. Koff! (a cold, ai has wun) Grayt Book uv Kat Kaer, Iz bringin it.

2. Kittehs is “OMG WTF? U is kitteh laik us; an u is in ar yard, tellin us stuffs? LOL!

3. Aftr we goes 'Blargh, Iz ded', we gits a noo laif? ROFLMeow.! U has a dum, srsly!”

4. We sees ol ded kittehs beeyin worm food, an We has teh Book wif teh 'splainin.
5. O Noes! Ktnz is all “Do Not Want! They has a silly.
6. teh skai, let me sho u it; We maded it gud, srsly.
7. We maded a big ol urf, an givved it holdr-upprz so it doan tip an kittehs fall off; We maded catnip bushes gro on it
8. as noms fur ebery kitteh.
9. An We sended down watr fallin frum teh skai, sry, but is fur ta gro the catnips, an grass fer chooin,
10. an tall no-branch treez fer climbin,
11. As a palygrownd fer ktnz, an we maded eberyting all comfy, jist laik u can has in Graytn Anaminablu Shldr, aftr you is all Blarghed.
12. The d00dz of Noah, an Ar-Rass an Thamud wuz growly laik u is,
13. An so wuz teh peeps of 'Ad an Pharaoh an Lot's littermates,
14. an the kittehs hoo lived in teh Woods an teh ppl of Tubba'. Alla dem wuz hissin an growly. So nun of dem gotted a cheezbrgr, srsly.
15. Wen we wuz nappin aftr makin da urfs, we no has a tired, we is jist beeyin kittehs. Lol, dem finks we has a tired. FAIL!
16. D00dz, we maded dem; we knoes all dere programz an hided filez; We is laik CPU, lol.
17. Ebery kitteh has birdcats, sittin on rait sholdr wif camcordr. Good stuffs, her is tapin it, an sittin on leff sholdr is birdcat, tapin bad stuffs.
18. Eberyfing u duz, dey is tapin it. U finks u has a privat? ROFL!
19. Blargh, eberybuddy can has it; Do Not Want!
20. O Noes! Day of Doom, it's comin.
21. Eech ktn can has a driver an a witness.
22. an drivr meows laik dis: "U wuz alla tiem nappin, so we wuz tapin; nao is on Youtube; let me shao u it."
23. Witness will be all: "Heer's teh video, ai has it."
24. "Bad kittehs no can has cheezbrgr" is whut's on video,
25. "Ebery wrekkr uv furnichur, pooper on carpet, sctratcher of guardian peep, an a skeptic,
26. hoo folloz oddr kittehs, Him no can has cheezbrgr."
27. Driver will be all: "O Rewfcat, wuzn't me; Iz jist drivin; he tells me whar ta go to."
28. An Rewfcat is laik: "Arguin, Do Not Want. B4, ai telled u it.
29. Fibs, ai doan be tellin dem; an ai no has a meen fur mai crittrz." On Doom Day, ai goes t holdin pen at hyoomain sosiedy, an ai aks: "Iz u full?" It will ansr: "O Noes! U gots moar ktnz?"
31. an ai taeks alla orfan kittehs ta Grayt Anamibanal Shaldr, cuz dem is good kittehs..
32. "Promise, ai telled u it, iz whut ai sez ta ebery ktn hoo has a nice,
33. hoo follod Ceiling Cat in sekret, an wuz domesticatted:
34. "Username an Password, u has it. U can has cheezbrgr."
35. an a cookie, an ai no eeted it: an moar, we has it, srsly.
36. Hao minny litterz has wented b4, summa hoo wuz eben moar fierce an eberywhar u looks in da lan, u no can has a escape.
37. Whoa, kitnz, hav a fink abowt dis; is reely deep, srsly.
38. We maded da hebbins an da urfs an alla stuffs in between em, an onlee tooked naps six tiemz, an we no has weeriness.
39. So u ignorz whut ppl ar sayin, an git onna fence an yowl fer Rewfcat at teh gittin-dark tiem, an b4 teh gittin -lait tiem.
40. an follo Her fur sum part ov teh nait, snoopin an prowlin.
41. Lissen up ktnz, day wen a crier yowls 2 eberyone,
42. wen u heerz big lowd blast, will be Day of comin bak 2 laif.
43. Laif an def, We givz u it, an U is goin bak to us, srsly.
44. On day da urf splits in haff peeps com runnin, lol. Fer us, herdin peeps is eezy.
45. We knoes whut ppl says; but doan be wif makin ktnz do stuffs wen dey Do Not Want. Jist keep on tellin dem abowt Grayt Book of Kitty Kaer.

On Thanksgiving Day,

2008-11-28T13:27:00.001-08:00

chaptr 54: da Moon

2008-11-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

1. O NOES! Lookit up in da skai! ZOMFG, teh moon is broked in haff!! OMGWTF?
2. But ktnz is laik: 'whuteber, d00d'; onlee sits in ur windo, likkin a paw;
3. onlee follos noses, an doan pay attn. Dey is cats, lol.
4. Dey has bin telled, “ No, Bad Kitteh!”
5. but dey doan caer; a loof, dey is it.
6. So doan pay no attn rait bak. Wen cummz zombie day,
iz moar:7. dem raises up outta graves all shambly an moldy
8. an cum ta whar dey is callded, an meow: "Dis is teh suck, srsly."
9. A bunch ago, Noah's d00ds was meen, an growled at ar d00d, an chasded him owta da yard.
10. So he yowled ta his Rewfcat: "Halp! Halp!"
11. an Her maded grayt flood gates of teh sky open an putted bukkits of watr on demz heds,
12. an opened up teh springs of teh urf; an putted watrs on demz paws, tu.
13. But Noah gotted stiks, an tree sap, an bilded a boat, (is hard wif no thumbz, srsly)
14. an boated away, an we wuz: “ZOMG, mah eyes, ai doan bleeve em”, but wuz gud ting, maybe eben moar bettr dan a cheezbrgr, wen evberyting is all watery,
15. an Her letted him go fur boat ried. U see whut Her did thar?
16. U mess wif me, ai kills u in ur sleep!
17. Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer, we unnrstanz it: So let me show u it.
18. Ktnz uv 'Ad wuz doin it wrong. Bad stuff happnd:
19. Wuz big wind blowin ROAAHHRR, it goed on all day an dint stop,
20. an blowed kittehs an eben pullded owt trees by teh roots.
21. U mess wif me, ai kills u in ur sleep!
22. Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer, we unnrstanz it: So let me show u it.
23. teh Thamud wuz doin it wrong,
24. an wuz: "U wants us ta follo u? LOL! U has a dum!
25. U fink u has a moar knowage an we is bein wif da stoopid? GTFO! Lies, U tells em."
26. "Purty soon, fibs, we see hoo is tellin em, srsly!
27. We sendz dem a she-camel. Lol. So whut happnz.
28. Water, u can has a share wif camel. Taek turnz lappin it.”
29. But O NOES!. Dey eeted teh camel!
30. Ai kills dem in dere sleep, srsly.
31. We chaseded dem owt ar yard, an dey wented ovar da fence, runnin.
32. Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer, we unnrstanz it: So let me show u it.
33. teh ppl of Lot wuz beeyin meen,
34. an comed a big ol rain storm wif ouchy ice balls fallin on demz heds; but we savded Lot an his litter, wen sunbeems wuz creepin inta windows.
35. Halp, we has it. Dat's hao we rewardz kittehs, an we bringz a cheezbrgr tu.
36. Lot tellded dem whut wuz comin, an dey jist sitted der likkin demz furs, beeyin aloof cat.
37. Dey was beeyin meen wif naybor kittehs hoo comed to heer, so we putted on dem blindfoldz, an dey wuz sumblin arown losted. Lol, no moar beeyin meen"
38. an aftr dat we tooked off blindfoldz, an eberyboddy eeted cheezbrgrs, an a cookie, an no moar buddy wuz beeyin wif a meen.
39. O Noes if u is doin it wrong.
40. Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer, we unnrstanz it: So let me show u it.
41. Pharaoh an his d00ds, saem stuffs happnd.
42. Meen, dey wuz it; We no bringed dem a cookie or a cheezbrgr.
43. Ar misbehaverz moar betterer dan oddr kittehs? Lol! We can has immunity; hao ta git shots fer rabies an distempr an alla stuff, Book of Cat Caer tells u it.
44. Them is laik: "We ar a big scary gang of kittehs!"
45. Lol, ur army, we chases it away.
46. Srlsy, on zombie day, u be laik: “ O Noes, we is doin it rong!”
47. U has a crazee, srsly. Heer iz u: “Meooowgooboolababalooleow” ROFL!
48. On zombie day u can has a trubbel; u is in Cat Carrier, lookin owt; u is tooked to Vet, git harblz cutted off, YEOW!
49. Reezons, we has em.
50. We onlee sez “Ai can has stuffs” an stuffs is; fast as closin eyeballz if wun is gittin poked.
51. We has chased away Bad Kittehs laik u b4; Gud, u better be it.
52. Books, eberyting is raited in em;
53. frum itty bitty flee-scratcinz ta grayt big litter-havinz; eberyting's in em.
54. Srsly, ktnz hoo follo Rewfcat an go on trayl Her has peed on, can has cheezbrgr,
55. an bordin pass fer Grayt Anamianibl Shalder.

-------end--------------

Storee of Iblis an Furst Kitteh

2008-11-17T12:04:00.000-08:00

Wuz in hebbin. Rewfcat an birdcats lazing arownd, nappin. Wuz no kittehs yet. Wuz boring, srsly. Rewfcat thotted up good plan fur makin tings moar better.

heer iz storee:
71. Rewfcat telled teh birdcats: "Iz maekin a kttn, owta stikky mud;
72. wen I has maded her, ai breathes mah cyootness inta her an is up walkin arownd, bein cyoot. Everbuddy cans go “Awww!” So wuz maded furst kitteh.
73. Alla birdcats goed “Awww, Hao Cyoot!”
74. 'Sept for Iblis. He was laik: “Lol! Whut so cyoot bowt dat kitteh?”
75. Rewfcat: "O Noes, Iblis! Hao Can U Say Dat!? U has a jelus cuz her is eben moar snorglier dan u."
76. Iblis: "Iz moar cyoot dan her. U maded me outta fyre, an her outta frum ikky durt."
77. Rewfcat: "GTFO!
78. U is beeyin meen ta kittehs!"
79. Iblis: "O Rewfcat, lemmee hang wif u in cuddel puddel, till cums Last Day, kthnx."
80. Rewfcat: "K. Sum slack, ai cuts u it.
81. U snorgels kittehs till Last Day."
82. Iblis: "If u tells me OK, ai taeks ktnz owtsaid fer ta play in yardz,
83. sept fer wunz u is cuddlin."
84. Rewfcat: "OK wif mee. Ai bringz mah ktnz owt laydr.
85. Yard, we fills it up wif kittehs." Is storee of Iblis an Rewfcat an furst kitteh;
86. Ai tells u it, no aks for cookie or nuffin; an ai no beeyin wif a fib, srsly.

Jinns Made of Flame

2008-11-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

What's this about? Well...

Heer iz storee; Rewfcat maded hyoominz frum durt or sumfing,

55:15 and created jinns from the white-hot flame of fire.

Aftr dat Her had a nap, woek up an had a stretch, an went ta wurk bein Boss of all teh crittrz.

20:116. When We said to the angels: ''Bow before Adam,'' they all bowed but Iblis, who refused.

Hao cum Iblis no has a bow? ROFLMeow! Wen u ever see a kitteh bow fur innybuddy? LOL! Bowin is fur woofers an yapper dawgs. DO NOT WANT!

Pikchur is gotted frum Fiery. Her has a reel good blog; let me show u it, at Atheist Homeschooler.

teh Windz

2008-11-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

Chapdr 77: teh Windz

1. Windz, they is blowin, wun aftr da oddr

2. An sum is nokkin stuffs arownd

3. An sum is goin all differnt drekshuns,

4. An sum is blowin fluffy stuff offa hevvy stuff,

5. An sum is wisperin inta eers

6. sekrets of kittehdom.

iz moar:

7. Heers whut's kummin, srsly;

8. Stars can has a dark, an O Noes;

9. hebbinz splits in haff,

10. Hyooj hills turn ta dust an blowz away,

11. An liddl ded ktnz kumz up owta graevz,

12. U know whut day is dat?

13. Day of Judjment, u has it.

14. Hao u knoe bowt Day of Judjment?

15. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

16. Ktnz frum long tiem ago, Blargh, ded, dem is;

17. Wun day alla us goes “Blargh” tu, srsly.

18. All nain laifs, used up is gonna be.

19. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

20. Rewfcat maded u frum stikky white stuff

21. an putted u in a mamacat's tummy, fer

22. havin a comfy, an growin, an

23. Den halped u crawl owt wen liddl shut eyes no can has a see!

24. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

25. Has We not maded da urfs a cavortin place

26. Fur all kittehs,

27. An putted in it cheezbrgrz an a watr bowl?

28. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

29. Run ovah dere

30. to teh shado wif 3 branchez,

31. but hav a keerful cuz is a blazin Fyr.

32. an is poppin owt grayt hyooj sparks.

33. Do Not Want!

34. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

35. Jujment day, ktnz no can has a meow.

36. Rewfcat doan be lissenin 2 no ekcyusez

37. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

38. Day of Reckoning, dat is it. Will be a herd of u an all ghost kittehs

39. So if u has a evil plan, u bettr get wif doin it

40. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

41. Ktnz hoo is domesticatted and folloz Rewfcat, will has a comfy chayr, watr bowl,

42. An all cheezbrgrz u can eet.

43. "Eet an nap wif purrin, as reward fur whut u has did."

44. Rewards, u has it, srsly.

45. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

46. Eet an hav a happy all day.

47. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

48. Wen u tells a kitteh: "Bow in homage," dey ignorz u.

49. O Noes if u is doin it rong!

50. Whut oddr buk dem can has sept fur Grayt Book uf Cat Caer?

---end---

Chaptr 75 Noo Laif!

2008-11-09T22:49:00.000-08:00

1. Iz meowing bowt teh Day of gittin a Noo Laif,
2. An ai wants all u ktnz ta lissen up.
3. u fink we no can put ur boneses all bak togeddr?
4. Lol! We eben can do teh paws, srsly.

iz moar:
5. U is goin all: “WTF? Iz u srs? ROLFlmeow”
6. "Wen all dis spozed ta happn?"
7. Wen u is makin ur eyeballs all sqwinty,
8. an the skai twinkelz is gotted all dark,
9. an da little lait and da big lait in da skai is all squished togeddr,
10. ktnz will be wif yowlin,” Yeowl, lemmee owta heer!"
11. Iz tu bad. U no can has a escape.
12. Not unless u goes an bees wif Rewfcat on dat day.
13. Den u gets told hoo is notty an hoo iz nais, an doan furgit,
14. eberyting u say can an will be yoosed aginst u.
15. Making excuses, dat is doin it rong.
16. (heer ai taks wif Mewhowmad; iz privrat; doan be lissenin in, kthnx.)
Doan be zoomin ovah mah vurses, cuz u will has a forget; Do Not Want.
17. U has gots to remembt alla dis heer stuffs, srsly.
18. So reed along wif me wen Iz tellin u it, kthnz.
19. (nao ai goes bak ta revealin, k? U lissen sum moar. )
20. O Noes, U has a hart fur beeyin alaiv,
21. an “Blargh, ai iz ded.” DO NOT WANT!
22. Gonna be lotsa happy kittehs on da last day
23. all waitin fur Rewfcat,
24. But sum kittehs will hav a sad,
25. an will be skeered.
26. LOL! No hav a skeered, cuz wen ur kitteh-spirit is scamperin owta u,
27. An peeps is goin "Is dere a vet in da howse?"
28. U is gonna knoe it's DA END,
29. An u will be skeered laik a vacuum wuz comin,
30. but Rewfcat will be wif da halp! If u has bin wun uf da notty kittehs,
32. an no has a follo of Rewfcat;
33. an no has bin wif da behavin,
34. ZOMGWTF? O Noes! U no can has cheezbrgr!
35. O noes, no cheezbrgr fer u!
36. Lol. Duz u fink ktnz iz all aloan in da urfs, wif no halp?
37. Wuzzent u maeded by Rewfcat, frum a tomkitteh part,
38. an a mamakitteh part, then Her maded u inta a babykitteh, all cyoot an cuddly,
39. An groed u up inta a boycat or a girlcat.
40. U finks Her no can giv u anoddr laif 8 moar tiems?
-------end---------

ZOMG!

2008-11-06T23:20:00.000-08:00

A DJINN!!!!

iz moar:
I found this picture on the innerwebs, and I just had to use it. Creepy, huh? I can't find the URL again, but I got it from this site, where they have a lotta hilarious pictures.

Surat 13, end

2008-11-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

26. Rewfcat increesez or decreesez teh gooditude of hoo ever Her wantsa, an dey has a happy in da wurld. But if livin in da wurld is plus 1, livin in da hebbinz in plus a hunnert, srsly.
iz moar:
27. Teh misbehavrz meow: "hao izzit no miracle was sended down 2 him bai his Rewfcat?" LOL! "Leedin ktnz, Rewfcat is doin it rait, an Her gaidz hoo eber cumz 2 Her fer halp.
28. Ktnz hoo behaev can has peese in demz furry widdo harts frum teh cotem... cotimplaysh... contimsplashun... frum tinkin bowt Rewfcat: Srsly finkin bowt Rewfcat maeks ur hart go all fluttry an happee!"
29. Dem hoo behaev an do teh rait stuffs, can has a cookee an a eksellent nappin spot.
30. Dat is hao we has sended u tu da peeps as Return of da Prophet, so u can yowl ta dem whateber we has downloaded ta u. But dey no has a bleevin uv Ar Rewfcat. Tell dem: "Her is mah Rewfcat. Ain't no oddr Rewfcat sept fur Her. Mah trust, Her has it. An Iz goin bak tu Her, srsly."
31. Lulz! If da Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer wuz big multimedia projek, cud moov mountinz, or claw da urfs inta 2 peeses, or maek zombee kittehs rayz up owta dere graevz an be wif meowin—eben den nobuddee wud bleev Rewfcat. Doan dem sillycats knoes dat if dey lets Her Rewfcat cud leed all kittehdom? As fur misbehavin kittehs, dey no can has cheezbrgr, or a cookie, cuz uv whut baditude dem haz did; an dem hasta lay arownd wif a hungree till Rewfcat cumz ta halp. Srsly Rewfcat duz nawt go bak on Her promis.
32. Befor u wuz prowlin da urf, wuz lotsa oddr kittehs hoo comed, an wuz hissed at an growlded at, but ai chased da Bad Kitteh!s off. Ai opend a can uv whoop-ass on 'em fur dat, srsly!
33. So, heer's teh deel. Her is watchin u, an sees whut u did thar, fur ebery kittn. But dey yowls dat oddr kittehs is watchin tu. So heer is whut u tells dem: "O yah? Hoo iz dat? U gots sum naymz fur me? Or ar u jist motorboatin ur moufs abowt stuffs Rewfcat doan eben know is on da urfs, an maekin dum noise fur no reezun like dawgs duz?” Troof is, teh misbehavrz haz evil plan ta follo, an dey fink dey is sniffin along da rait trayl, but dem is doin it rong. Hooever no can haz a Rewfcat fer showin whar tu go sniffin, dem is losted.
34. Dem no can has a cheezbrgr in da urfs, an no can has a cheezbrgr in da hebbins neever; Nobuddee can has a halp fur dem, sept fur Rewfcat.
35. Teh Grayt Animaminabl Shaldr in da Skai is promisd ta gud kittehs. Its a grayt howze wif comfy cowch fur ebery kittn; wif big yard whar is cleen watr so no drinkin owta toilet, an bushes wif leefs whut neber falls off so is always comfy shayd fer nappin. Heer iz what u goes if u no folloz evil plan; but if u folloz evil plan, u hasta stay owt inna alley an no can has cheezbrgrz, onlee old cat fuds.
36. Ktnz ta hoom we has gaved teh Roolz uv Catitude has a happy; but sum kittehs no downloads all da files. Wen dat happnz, u sez: "Iz authorized ta follo onlee Rewfcat, an no can has support fur oddr programs sept fur Her. Her iz tek support, srsly; Ai callz Her nao."
37. Dat is hao we has sended down teh Grayt Buk uv Kat Kaer, in simpl code ebery programmr unnderstanz. But if u raits ur own program, wen u has gotted da rait filez, u has noboddee ta blaem but ur own dumitude.
38. We sended minny ktnz befor u, an dey fownded grl kittehs, an rubbed harblez an maded itty bitty kitty committeez; but sept fur dat, dey wuz nawt makin mirakelz, cuz onlee Rewfcat can has a majik. Cuz liek in da song, fur ebery tiem dere is a seezun.
39. Rewfcat erases an raits in noo stuff hao eber Her wants, cuz onlee Her has the final script.
40. Mebbee u still be ridin invisible bike on da urfs, or mebbe u is all “Blargh, Iz ded!” befor we rolls the credits, but innyway u has ta delivr teh messaj; teh rekonin, we duz it.
41. Dem shud be laik: OMG, is cummin frum all ovah, Rewfcat; mah howse an yardz, Her is fillin it up, srsly. Her is da onliest wum hoo maeks wif da rekonin, Her is rill gud at it.
42. Srsly dose hoo had wented a long tiem ago, dem had a evil plans tu; but Rewfcat outsmartz dem, cuz her has a knowage of whut ebery kitteh duz. Dem hoo is behavrz will soon larn for hoom is teh Grayt Animaminabl Shaldr in da Skai.
43. Heer is misbehaver kittehs: "Lol! U is not the apostle sended bai Rewfcat." Heer iz u: "Rewfcat is gud fur watchin ovah me an u, cuz backup copeez of teh Book, Her has dem."

---end---

“Kill them wherever you find them”

2008-10-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Chapter 2, verse 191

iz moar:

HOLEE BOOK, UR DOIN IT RONG!

Surat 13, moar...

2008-10-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

11. Her birdcats sees whut a gud kitteh did thar wen iz lait an wen is dark, an has dat kitteh's back, cuz her is telled bai Rewfcat. Srsly Rewfcat is nawt beeyin wif maekin peeps chanj teh state ov peephood till dey chanjes own selfs. Wen Rewfcat has a wantin fer sumpting gits dun, Her can haz it, srsly; an trai 2 be stoppin Her--FAYL!
iz moar:
12. Her maeks teh big skeery noises, wif brait lait flashin, an maeks kittehs haz a feer an hied undr da bed; an Her maeks big gray fluffies inna skai:
13. teh noyses iz singin prayses 2 Her, an teh birdcats 2, is maekin kitty-oke togethr, singin “Her is... teh awsummest...”, onlee dem no haz a melodee, or a rithm. Her sendz skai-bolts down an maybee trais 2 maek dem shuddup: it's Rewfcat tehy is messin wif! An poer, Her has it.
14. Meowin “halp!” at Her iz troo supplikay... sluplicrash... shupilkrashu... askin 4 halp. Ktnz hoo is askin uddr kittehs, dem is doin it rong, liek stretch owt a paw twardz teh watr an trai 2 pik sum watr up fer drinkin, but u neber gits a drink dat way, lulz! Misbehavin kittehs iz the sillee.
15. Eberybuddy in da hebbins or on da urfs crowches down b4 Rewfcat in submishun, an eben da shadows, da mornin shados an da evenin shados.
16. Heer iz a cheer 4 u: "Hoo iz teh Boss ov teh hebbins an da urfs?" Gimmee a "Rewfcat!" Den u plays twenny kwestions, say: "Wai u follos ktnz hoo has no spechul majik powerz?" & : "Izzit da same, havin a blind, or havin a see? or, WTF? U no tells diffurnce tween dark tiem an sun tiemz? or, WTF did sum oddr-buddy maded a urfs an a hebbins whut looks jist aliek whut Rewfcat haz maded? U is bin inna catnip 2 much, LOL. "Rewfcat iz teh makerer ov evrythin. Her iz Win; Her iz catnip-potent."
17. Her sendz down watr frum teh skaiz, an wen kittehs is keepin warm an drai inna howse, watr puddelz up inta grayt big riverz, an overflos till is no walkiin-plases left; an on it is lotsa ikky stuffs dat kitteh Do Not Want, an all goes away wif da watr, meow! Wen u is nappin in da wurkshop, cuz hyoominz is makin a warm, u sees da metals melt an turn all runny, an can haz ikky stuff on it 2, an it goes away an hyoomins maek cat toys an sum oddr stuffs 2. Mebbe u is confyoozed, cuz kittehs is no gud at makin a nalogy, but dis ar teh how Rewfcat can knows troof an fibberin. Teh ikky fibs disappeerz liek teh foam on teh waddr, an gud troo stuffs, dat can has a use fer ktnz, stayz on da urf. Dat iz hao Rewfcat's wisdom, Her shows u it.
18. 4 dose hoo obey Rewfcat iz cheezbrgrz. 4 dose hoo fail 2 obey, no can haz cheezbrgr, eben if dey has a millyun bajoobillyun moneez, or all da monnees on da urfs; dem can has a hungree.
19. Kitteh hoo has a download frum Rewfcat, an kitteh hoo has a ignurnse, hoo is doin it rait? LOL! If u has a smart, u lissenz,
20. follos Rewfcat, an no bees wif fibbin,
21 hoo no tears up wif claws0 whut Rewfcat has putted togeddr, an harts Rewfcat an has a skeered uv runnin away frum hoam,
22. hoo keeps on sniffin owt da smells uv Rewfcat, hoo bringz hoam a mowse sum tiems, or a feathr, an bringz a cookie but no eateds it, sneeky or nawt, hoo chases off Bad Kittehs but doan starts no faits: For dem is teh rewardz uf teh Grayt Anamaainaamblul Shaldrur in da Skai:
23. Perpetshoo...purrpetsu....prurp..... Goin on alla time BBQ wich dey will entr wif lotsa oddr kittehs but no meen wuns, onlee frenlee kittehs wif purrs an rubbinz, an wif birdcats cumin in froo da doorz
24. meowin: "O Hai, cheezbrgrz on u, 4 u is domesticatted." Hao full uv win is teh Grayt Ananimaabl Shelldr in da Skai, srsly!
25. Kittehs hoo is all “Lol, Iz domesticatted”, but goes an claws up furnchur, an runz away frum hoam, an poops on bed, dem no can haz cheezbrgr and no gits inbited 2 ar partee.

Chapter 13 Big Scary Noises!

2008-10-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

1. Meowlooyah. Heer ar versez ov teh Grayt Buk uv Cat Caer. Whateber u downloads frum ur Rewfcat iz da troofs; but nobuddy pays no attn, lol!
iz moar:
2. Rewfcat putted da skai up in da air an maded it so it doan fall on ar hedz; den Her had nap tiem. Wen Her woked up laytr, Her fixed da big fier an alla teeny weeny fiers up inna skai so dem no can has a fall on ar hedz; Her maked eberyting so is safe fer to go owt sneeking an prowlin. Dat's hao cum u noes Her is gud kitteh.
3. Her maded da urfs so is drai fer walkin, an maded da bushes an froots an
2 da leevz an nip toys; an Her covers up teh day wif teh nite. Iz spooky, lol!
4. On da urfs iz fields neks 2 wun anothr, fer prowlin, an vinyardz wif mouses, fieldz ov corn an big treez, sum wif forks fer climbin, all maded wet wif teh same watr, but drais owt fer kittehs 2 be wif explorin, cuz wet paws Do Not Want. Thar ar lotsa gud stuffs in that 4 ktnz hoo unnerstand.
5. If u is all WTF nao, den u is ZOMGWTF at meowinz ov ktnz hoo sez: "Ded an turnd 2 dust, we iz it; but Tah Dah! We gits 2 b a noo critter?" Dem no follos Rewfcat, an tehy will has collars arownd dere nekz wif littl old ladies pullin on em, an has 2 share cowch wif littl yappr dawgz; an no can haz pillo in Grayt Annanimabul Sheldr.
6. Them still iz wantin 2 do bad stuffs, eben aftr thar wuz examplz ov retribushun on YouTube. Srsly, Rewfcat forgivz ktnz 4 misbehavin, but doan b wif pushin ur luk, lol.
7. Teh misbehavers yowls: "We can haz miracle?” but u r onlee can haz warnin growlz, an a guide ta evry kitteh.
8. Rewfcat has a smart abowt whut mamacats haz inna tummy, or wen litter cums, hao big is itty bitty kitty committee. Wif Her eberyting cumz owt teh rait much.
9. Her iz teh knowr ov teh knowed an teh not-knowed; Her sits onna highest spot inna howse, seein whut u do thar.
10. If a kitteh sneeks inna nait, hidin, or if a kitteh rides invisible bike in day lait, makin lowd screechingz, is alla same 2 Her; Her harts alla kittehs saem amownt.

What cats think

2008-10-25T10:41:00.001-07:00

Whut kitteh reely finks is...

LOL!

Atheist Meme

2008-10-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

It should be obvious, what with the Godless A in the sidebar and all, that we are not studying the koran from the POV of a believer. Inevitably I got tagged with this internet meme that's going around about how you became an non-believer. I can't continue it since I don't know any other atheist bloggers that Uzza or Kafirgirl, or someone, hasn't already tagged, but I might as well go for it anyway.

1. Can You Remember The Day That You Officially Became An Atheist?

My father was an atheist and it's a toss-up whether my mother or the Pope were more Cathilic. When I was about twelve I found myself, you might say, accidentally. As I lay there in bed wondering what had just happened, it dawned on me that this was the unforgivable mortal sin the nuns were always talking about. I was an Altar Boy, went to Catholic school and Church and Confession and Communion, and all that, but never thought about it much. Now I had to.

If those nuns were right I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity; unless, maybe, I went to a priest ASAP, confessed my foul sin and made sure I never again committed such a horrible act, and I dunno, spent my life doing pennance or something. On the other hand, (the dry one) I knew my dad didn't believe any of this stuff, and if he was right, it was no big deal and didn't even matter. So I really had to ask myself, “Do You Believe?”

I thought back over my years under those sadistic nuns, stories of people being tortured to death, the Rosary every night, the Catechism we memorized and the prayers we mouthed, and I realized. “You know what? I never have believed any of this shit. It's just stupid!” And I curled up and went to sleep.

2. Do you remember the day you officially became an agnostic?
Same day; to me an agnostic is just someone who's afraid to make a decision.

3. How about the last time you spoke or prayed to God with actual thought that someone was listening?

When they buried my son, there was a moment that I really believed someone was up there. After about a minute I came to my senses.

4. Did anger towards God or religion help cause you to be an atheist or agnostic?

Pretty silly to be mad at something imaginary, but there was those nuns and their rulers.

5. Here is a good one: Were you agnostic towards ghosts, even after you became an atheist?

We had these old comics, with Casper the Friendly Ghost, that I used to look at, so when the nuns got all solemn intoning the name of... The Father, The Son, and The Holy (giggle)ghost, I wondered why they weren't like Presbyterians who sucked up to the Holy Spirit, who had a little dignity. Then Ghostbusters came out, and lol!

6. Do you want to be wrong?

Nobody does, but y'know, I think everybody harbors a wistfulness for a simpler, nicer world. That's why we have Peter Pan, Tinkerbelle, elves and fairies, leprechuans, and yes, Lolcats.

Surah 91 The Sun

2008-10-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Chaptr 91 haz gud furstest part:

---
Chaptr 91 Fier in da Skai

1. ZOMG, LOOKIT the skai fierz! look hao purty!

2. An teh moon, her folloz him, srsly,

3. Inna day teim iz all puttin owt beemz, wif hotitude.

4. Inna nait, eberyting iz kuvered up cozy--

5. da hebbins an all its itty bitty twinklies,

6. da urfs an alla nayburhoodz.

Joseph the bucket boy

2008-10-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

Chapter 12 is the story of Josef, a boy who was put into a bucket....

for bukkit story, click on pikchur;

for lolkoran story,

12 Josef

1. Meowlooyah. Heer iz verses uv Grayt Book uv Cat Caer.
2. Let me show u it.
3. Bai downloadin dis buk, u larns stuffs u neber knowed b4
4. Wuz kittn naymed Josef, hoo meowed 2 his daddeekitteh: "OMFG, Wut a dreem ai had! Da sun an moon an eleben uv da skai-twinklies, all wuz bowin down 2 mee. Wuz weird, srsly.
5. He meowed bak: "O noes! Doan be yowlin bowt dis wif ur littermates, or demz will plot aginst u. Satan, dem iz folloin him.
6. Whut meenz ur dreemz, Rewfcat will show u it, an bring cheezbrgrz 2 u an alla herd of kittehs livin wif Jacob. Srsly, it jist like whur Her had did fer da 2 old-tiem kittehs of urs, Abraham an Isaac, b4 u. Srsly ur Rewfcat haz a knowage of eberyting, an her is full of Ossum.
7. In teh storee of Josef an his littermates ar lessnz fur dem hoo inkwire.

For 2 reed alla teh storee, go heer.

The Cellar Cat Verses

2008-10-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

We haz dun chaptr 53, wif faymus Satanic Vurses, so we haz ta put sumptin heer, lol.

The picture has the original satanic verse: "These are the elevated cranes: truly their intercession is dearly hoped for"

--as telled bai Cellar Cat. Dem craynz iz metafors fur Uzza n da goddesses, MEOW!

That's right. This verse was replaced by a couple of others that are really misogynistic.

OMGWTF? Vurses wif bad stuffs abowt grrl-ktnz? DO NOT WANT. We ignoarz dem, LOL. link

Finally!

2008-10-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

Lots of people start reading the Koran and give up before they get through the second chapter. Not only is it the longest one in the book, it gets bogged down in stuff like estate law......zzzzz. But people kept coming back to it and now the last verses are done. Yay!

Chapter 2 iz in teh archivez, HEER.

Five Moar

2008-10-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

WoooHoo, the first eleven verses have been translated. Well, going by the order that god supposedly revealed them, so that's verses 96,68,73,74,1,111,96,81,87,92,and 89.Pretty crazy, huh? That's only 258 out of the whole 6000, so it's 5% of the whole book. Altogether we've translated 14% so far. There's a lot of it--Halp!

look in da sidebar: wont see vurses if you

Why LOLcats?

2008-10-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Every culture on earth has had some kind of magical creatures. Ireland has its leprechauns, Scandinavia had its elves, Europe had its fairies. What do we have? Modern US society notably lacks any such whimsical beings as the Japanese tengu, English pixies, or Inuit Raven. We're sophisticated, scientific, and coldly rational. That serves us well, but sometimes you just need a hug, or want to pull the covers over your head, curl up and have someone cover you. All our modern skeptical rationality leaves a cuddle-shaped hole.

Life wouldn't be worth much without those awe-inspiring moments when you just sit back a let a sense of wonder wash over you; watching a sunset, a scenic vista, something perfect. Along with awe-inspiring, there is also aww-inspiring. Everyone loves babies, cuddly animals that arouse our maternal instincts, and we love the cute things kids say. Pets are necessary, and little furry ones like cats and bunnies have a special kind of cuddly. They make it socially acceptable, talking to pets or babies or lovers, to let our softer side peek out, with hugs and snorgles and baby talk.

We all hold an image of the old time farm where kids interacted with little pet lambs and critters, but our high tech world doesn't leave spaces for real animals that poop and need constant attention. But technology has made it simple to escape for a mini-second, with a nice calming picture of a cute animal, that for just a second can relieve our stress.

For a second it takes us to our wish-world where everyone is friendly, trusting, and happy. Every culture creates such a world and populates it with imaginary creatures that embody the culture's idea of cute, safe, and snuggly, and typically makes it a repository of some kind of alien wisdom, some fairy sense that understands even if we don't, that the world is wonderful and good.

The old wish-worlds are gone now, long since scoffed away as quaint, old fashioned, silly, juvenile, stupid. But the impulses that caused people to create them are still there in our brain stems, still a part of us, and that part yearns to reconcile the old need for a land of little people, with their magic and and intangible joys, into our modern computerized lives.

Enter the LOLcat. There's nothing intangible or fantastic about a cat. They're real and satisfy our need for objectivity. You can pick one up and hold it. But also it is really easy to anthropomorphize cats. They often act like they know something we don't, and like coyote the trickster archetype, we know they take shameless advantage of us. Surely they must think deep thoughts if only they would tell us.

But if cats could talk they'd lose their aura of cuddlesomeness, no longer be kawaii, unless of course they talk like five-year-olds. Instead of taking away their cuteness, their toddler-speak adds to it. This gives us a way to access the alien wisdom of their Peter Pan world. Lolcats fill the cuddle-shaped hole the modern world has left in our souls. Long live the LoLcat!

Surah 10:9

2008-10-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

10:9 At their feet shall flow streams of running water in gardens of delight.

Surah 10:20

2008-10-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

10:20 So watch and wait for the sign; I am waiting and expecting with you.

Pagan Moon Goddess Iz Not Impressed.

2008-10-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

You can't translate something until you understand it, so the first job is to figure out what the koran means. To help with this part we have Uzza , the moon goddess who was worshipped in Arabia before Mohamed came. She has been making notes as we go along, and now has put them online in blog form so you can read them too. She's snarky, and she doesn't think much of these newcomers, LOL.

Uzza's blog
http://uzzas.blogspot.com/

pic from
http://www.thaliatook.com/AMGG/arabtriple.html

doan

High Five!

2008-09-28T01:04:00.001-07:00

Chapter 11 is finally finished, and we've also added 87, 88, and 89. They're all in the chapters on the sidebar.

doan

Da Furstest Vurse

2008-09-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

Math, ur doin it rong in dis book. U cownt da vursez liek dis: Hold up one paw, an go "naindy siks, siksdy ate, sebendy tree, sebendy foar, wun". Dat's all da claws. Den hold up udder paw, an go: "hunnerd-eleben, aidey-wun, aidey-seben, nainny-tu, aidey-nain". LOLZ! Nobuddy telled dem to put furst vurse numbah wun, sekunt vurse numbah tu, an liek dat. Nao is all jumbeld up; confusez eberybuddy.

Innyhao, Dis vurse naindy-siks iz furst wun in storee. Mewhowmad wuz heerin voices, went an hid inna cave, inna dark, but voices no goed away. Him wuz powtin cuz sum d00d picked on him wen he wuz preyin. Him went an hid inna dark, an da voices telled him dat god liked him an not dat udder gai. So den he felted beddur. LULZ!

storee iz under heer;
1. Reed in da naym ov rewfcat hoo creatd,
2. u frum a clot;
3. read, 4 Rewfcat iz made of win,
4. hoo taught ai scratchingz,
5. taught d00dz wut demz did not knoe.
6. an yet, but yet d00dz iz rebellious,
7. 4 dem thinkz dem iz sufficient in dem.
8. Shirley, ur returnin iz 2 ur lord.
9. Haz u seen him hoo steels ur fudz
10. frum a kitteh wen her turns 2 her cheezbrgrz?
11. Haz u thot, if he had been on behavvin
12. or wuz domesticatted, it wud has been bettr?
13. Has u thot dat if her steels da fudz,
14. doez her not knoe dat rewfcat seez?
15. Rewfcat will drag him by teh scruff,
16. uv himz durty old nek.
17. So let him call his buddeez,
18. we shall call teh big meen tomcat.
19. Lulz! Do not follo him, but follo Rewfcat.

chapter 68: the pen, or maybe da fish, or maybe just some random letters, nobody really knows.

2008-09-16T11:34:00.001-07:00

Iz second vurse; Mewhowmad iz in da cave, heerin da voices. Dem tells him storee uv da greedy gardenerz.

1. Meowlooya. Mah book sez
2. Iz not crazee.
3-4 Rewfcat lieks me bestest;
5-6 Dem'll find out;
7. Rewfcat knoes Iz rait;
8. so f&^% dose guyz;
9. Dem no letted me do wut i wants.
10-14. Dem iz poopy an yowls at me jus cuz dem can haz moar stuffs.
15. Dem wont play wif me, neever.
16. Rewfcat gonna show dem, srsly.
17. Selfish kittehs ar liek teh owners ov teh garden hoo
18. didnt share wif teh poor peeps
19-20. Lol! Rewfcat maded all their froot disappear
21-5. at daibreak dem wented 2 harvest da froots, an mak sure no needy peeps got any
26. but it wuz all naked like a litter box, lol.
28-31 den they wuz sry 4 bean selfish
32. an dey prayd.
33. same wif Rewfact, srsly. U iz selfish, u beez sorree;
34. U iz gud, u goes ta hebbin.
35-6. y ai shud treat eberykitteh teh saem?
37-9. do u has ceilin cat-book dat tells u?
40-41. sez hoo?
42-4. Rewfcat iz gonna show u!
45. but her iz gonna giv them respite
46. Her doan ask mutch!
47. Dem doan has book! (liek me, lol!)
48. Dem iz liek Toona Fish d00d, hoo only prayered wen he wantd somethin.
49-50. hez lucky Rewfcat dint kick his butt, lol!
51. Teh Meccan kittehs gimie dirty lookz an say ai haz a deemon,
52. but Iz jus tellin it liek it iz.

Smitin'

2008-09-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sum moar of chapter 2. Has sum smitin in it, at verse 193-4,

down under heer
(171) Wild kittehs r liek deaf, dum an blind, doan unnerstand.
(172) O ktnz, eat teh fud i gived u, an be grateful .
(173) doan eet old ded stuffs, or blodd like u iz vampire lol, ded pigz, or anything yukky like dat; iz ok if u do it accidently
(174) dose hoo mak money by hidin part ov teh Book of Cat Kare, iz no gud for kitnz. lol!
(175) is no gud. Srsly.
(176) teh Book of Cat Kaer haz da troofs; iz gud.
(177) it doan mattr how u pray; jus bleev in Rewfcat, teh last dai an teh birdcats, teh Book uv C.C. an teh pawfoots, an givin licks, observin ur devoshunal obligashuns, taek naps, chase stringz, use litter box, be patient.
(178) iz k 2 chase off stray kittehs, but u cud let dem moov in instead. otherwize no iz gud
(179) ya gotta defend yourselvez.
(2:180) leef ur stuff 4 ur parents an next ov kin in ur will.
(181) any wan hoo changez teh will, can haz trubbels wif Rewfcat.
(182) u can argue ovar it if u wants.
(183) Doan eet tu much, liek in da old dais.
(184) if u r sick or travellin u can eet whutebber u need, but doan keep on eetin ur cheezbrgr; or u can giv a stray kitteh it. iz gud 4 u to do dat.
(185) teh Book uv Kat Kaer wuz scratchded owt durin ramadan, so doan eet tu much dat month, unles ure sick or travellin, or u mak it up latr.
(186) i anwr ur yowlingz
(187) u can rub yer harbles togedder durin ramadan, an eat an drink, if itz dark; no rubbin harbles in da crazy cat lady's howse.
(188) doan waste fud, or cheet kitnz.
(189) teh moon iz 4 reckonin tiem, 4 pilgrimagez. doan use teh bak door. use teh frunt door. lolz!
(2:190) defend yourlelf but doan be aggresiv:
(191) fight if u gots to. oppreshun iz bad too. do not fight by teh crazy cat lasy's howse, unless dem attack u thar. if dem do, den kick demz butts, iz k. such iz whut dem gets fer beeyin wif the misbehavin. No is gud,
(192) but if dem givs up, i'm nice.
(193) Fight them till dem becomes domesticatted.
(194) Fight. Fer ur rait. To paaaaardy!
(195) giv teh kitnz a cookie; doan be meen tu u; do gud.
(196) go on pilgrimage 2 Hyoomane Sosighitee; if u cant, send a cookie an doan shave ur fur off, lol.. if u eeted da cookie, if u got no cheezbrgr, fast 4 3 dais durin teh pilgrimage an 7 on return.
(197) if u go on pilgrimage, behave.
(198) it ok 2 trade.; when u start frum Arafat yowl at da al-mashar momument,
(199) den go wif teh herd , an yowl. Rewfcat iz FTW..
(2:200) aftr teh ceremoniez, yowl sum moar. but not 4 a cheezbrgr, cuz ain't wun dair.

hey look unicorns

2008-09-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Chapter 48 is up now. I gotta admit I'm not too happy with it though. Maybe somebody can tell me what the last half dozen verses are trying to say, cuz when I tried to put it in my own words I got "...believers go to heaven hey look unicorns; Gibby bob aloola gimany nichgrust, god rewards u" Whatever; it's lolcatted--jazz hands!

look in chapters, doan

Noah

2008-09-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

All of Chapter ten is translated. Jazz Hands!

---Noah storee---
(75) Next tings wuz, we wuz takin napz; (course, cuz we iz kittehs, lol!) Long tiem layter, we sended Moses an Aaron, holdin Signs, wif scrathinz like “KITTEHS ROOL!” an “NO BEEYIN MEEN TO KITNZ!”. Moses an Aaron wented to da Pharaoh an hiz d00dz; but demz wuz aloofs. “Lol,'course dem wuz! Wuz Egyptian Mau kittehs, can haz pikchurs on pyramids and stuffs, wuz all used to beeyin worshipped, liek all kittehs otta be, srsly.
(76) So we did trix fer demz, an demz wuz like “ZOMG WTF? IZ MAJICK! U IZ HAIRY POTTER KITNZ!

for the rest,

(77) "Awww shux," sayed Moses, "it ain't nuffin. U tink iz majick? LOL!
(78) "Iz u come to heer," demz asked, "to be alpha kittehs an take ovah ar howse, so u 2 can haz best nappinz spots inna howse, an eet furst on cheezbrgrz? DO NOT WANT!
(79) "Bring to heer ur bestest Hairy Paw-ter" meowed da Pharaoh.
(80) So wen da Hairy Pawterz Majick kittehs wuz in da palass, Moses meowed at dem: "Cast wutever spell u haz gots."
(81) Wen demz had casted demz spell, Moses meowed: "LOL, ur charm is onlee a +1: Rewfcat will nullify it wif a +10 spell. Rewfcat beets inny ol spell trowed at Her frum eevil majicks, srsly.
(82) Rewfcat exposes da troof wif Her +1 Honesty Command; iz no blak majick dat can beet it, eben wif a double roll."
(83) But nun uv dem wanted to play moar games wif Moses, except for sum teenage kittehs, an demz had to bee hoam befor midnait, else da Pharaoh an his Egyptian Maus Kittehs wood cum lookin for dem; an grab dem bai da nek scruff; an drag dem hoam; liek dem wuz widdow babbeez wif eyes not eben open. An dat iz SO embarassin fer a kitteh, srsly. But da Pharaoh wuz da boss uv dem, an him dint taek no shit offa no udder cats, srsly.
(84) Moses meowed dis: "O mai kitnz, be wif behavin in Rewfcat's howse if u iz domesticatted."
(85) Demz ansered: "We can haz trust in Rewfcat. O Rewfcat, doan let dese d00dz be meen ta kittehs,
(86) an adopt us an taek us to a gud hoam whair we can haz cheezbrgrz."
(87) Ai yowled to Moses an his litter-mate: "Bild hoamz for ur kitnz in Egypt, an maek ur howses wif a comfy, taek ur naps an giv happee fur-liks ta kitnz hoo behaev."
(88) An Moses meowed: "O Rewfcat, Hao cum Pharaoh an his d00dz gits ta be fat cats an liv in a palass wif all tunafish, cheezbrgrz, an cookies? Iz NO FAIR!
(89) An Rewfcat wuz liek: "Ur yowlingz iz rait. So jist keep on wif a gud catitude, an be aloof ta dem udder d00dz.
(90) An We herded da kitnz uv Israel ovah da sea, but no gotted wet, but da Pharaoh an his d00dz chaseded us, wif growlin an hissin, rait up to da sea, an wuz abowt ta get a baff; wen him meowed : "Ahh, skroo it. U iz rait. Go ahed an herd dem cats. Demz WANT!--demz can haz. Ai no has a mad.”
(91) "FTW, d00d! High five!" Rewfcat meowed bak, "b4 u wuz all snarly and growly,
(92) but ai no haz a mad neever. U goes bak ta ur palass an yowl at all ur d00dz ta be wif reedin wut wuz scratchded on ar signs.”
(93) So we adopted da kittehs uv Israel in a furever hoam, wif gud stuffs fer to eet an play wif. So dem all had a happee. Rewfcat iz watchin demz an taekin keer uv demz, srsly, rait up till demz last nain life.
--end uv Noah storee--
(94) If u no bleevz ar storeez, den aks kittehs hoo haz bin reedin da Book uv Cat Caer b4 u. Da troofs, Rewfcat meows it; so follo Rewfcat,
(95) An doan be wun uv dem meen kittehs hoo growl an fait wif Rewfcat, cuz Her no iz gonna fait wif u.
(96) Srsly, kitnz hoo no follo Rewfcat will nevah git domesticatted,
(97) eben if dem sniffs all da rait smellz, demz hav ta larn da hard wai. Iz a sad.
(98) For wai no howses can haz gud kitnz, Xsept for da peepz uv Jonah? Wen dem larned hao ta behave, dem no hadded trubbels wif gardian hyoominz, or udder kittehs, or dawgz, or nuffin; Happee howse kittehs, demz wuz it.
(99) If Rewfcat gotted to be da boss uv eberybody, ebery kitn on da urf wood be domesticatted, in a gud hoam.
(100) Hao kittehs larn to use litter box an be domesticatted except wif Rewfcat's teechinz? Her downloads alla brainz for kitnz hoo no bees wif da tinkingz.
(101) Lookit all da hebbins an da urfs. Iz lotsa stuffs fer snoopin fer kitnz hoo haz a curious; But demz bedder bee keerful, an no be gittin inta trubbelz. Srsly.
(102) Whut choo ekpects? Stuffs differunt frum whut da peeps b4 had backups uv? U wait fer noo stuffs. Ai cuddels up wif u, kthnz.
(103) Us apossels iz on da urfs, testafyin. Our job, we iz doin it. We saevs da behavvers.
(104) Kitnz! if u haz a dowt about mai yowlingz, doan fergit, Rewfcat, ai follos her. an Iz commanded to be a behavver, ai iz doin it rait;
(105) an to herd da uddder kittehs, like a gardian hyoomin, an no be follerin udder d00ds dan Rewfcat.
(106) Udder d00dz dan Rewfcat, hoo iz no halp. Wood be sillee ta do dat. Lol!
(107) Shuld u haz a trubbel, iz onlee HeRewfcat hoo iz bringin u halp; an if Her wish u gud, no buddy can taek take away Her blessingz: Her showers dem on Her critterz as Her pleezes, an Her is frenly and purry."
(108) "O kittnz, da troof haz cummed tu u frum Rewfcat, so her hoo iz wif beeyin domesticatted duz so for demselfs, an kitteh hoo runs away frum hoam onlee hurts demself, an I no is da boss uv u.
(109) Follo whut iz scratchded in Grayt Book uv Cat Caer, until Rewfcat will bring u how many cheezbrgrz u deservz, cuz Her iz da besstest uv all da judges."

God is Fired.

2008-09-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

Why is the lolcat meme so popular. Who knows? Not me, but I think cute things kids say adds another layer of cuteness to fuzzy critters and in our culture it fullfills a need that the Japanese have cornered with their notion of Kawaii. This is a sort of uber-cutitude that gives birth to anime, pokemon, and even affects commercial airliners. They're nuts about Hello Kitty on everything from clothes to cars. How much is too much? This:

Away from the shooting range anyway, Kawaii is happy and positive and inspires good feelings, which we all need after reading the news. Since it inspires and uplifts, it should go with scripture like chocolate with peanut butter, and sure enough, a lolcat Bible is nearly completed. The nasty Old Testament parts get a spin job so they haz a gud flavor. And the Book of Mormon is being translated into lolspeak. So what about the koran?

A basic understanding of Islamic culture is more relevant now then ever, and like most Americans I've never been exposed to their Book. I'd like to learn more about it, but any attempt to read it is narcoleptically soporific. Countless multitudes have set out to read it and given up in the second chapter. What a slog!

The idea of translating it into lolspeak came up: that would make it interesting, keep you awake and leave you feeling uplifted. When I got interested in learning about web design a light bulb went on: learn about blogs by making one, use translating the koran as a theme, it would be saved, and public so others could join in—kewl. Thus was born the lolkoran.

It wasn't long before there was Trouble in lolcat land. The job did make it interesting and fun to study, starting a blog is educational, and some good verses and lolcats were produced. The problem is, reading the koran is NOT uplifting; it's a horrible chore. Part of the problem is that it's is a terrible piece of writing. Nobody could pass Freshman English by stringing together verses that don't tell a story, aren't grouped around separate topics, and aren't even in chronological order. Plus it's repetitious, self-contradictory, full of vague generalities and doesn't even indicate who's talking at any given point.

█ Here's an experiment on a random chapter, Surah 62: Friday. We start with the original text, 347 words, and take out all the Godifying. Saying “Allah” is the same as “Allah, the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One, the Mighty, the Wise,” and the only reason for the bloviating flattery is to make your sermon sound impressive. It may fit in a tent revival meeting but it has no place in written prose. This eliminates 14% of the text.

█ We're left with 299 wds. Now we take out the gratuitous insults: blatant slurs like “God Damn them! How perverted are they!(9:30)” and the nonstop ranting piled on anyone who disagrees with the author. This removes another 13+% and makes the text marginally palatable.

█ Next we rewrite the archaic King James Grammar that every self-styled prophet is compelled to use, since the marks won't believe their Almighty Lord could possibly talk except in a 16th century English Court dialect full of convoluted grammar fossils that take twice as long to say. This includes the ridiculous “Say to them” and pronominal goulash that translators are forced to put in to avoid the supposed narrator, God, saying “My Savior is Me (7:196)”. Fixing that reduces the text another 27% and we're down to 159 words of actual content, 46% of the original. Whew! Here's the breakdown.

This is God's best effort? If Shakespeare wrote that way he'd have made a good plumber, but that's not the worst of it. It's hard but rewarding to decipher ancient writings, extract the wisdom of other cultures, search for inspirational nuggets to help live life more productively. This isn't the place to do it—you'll get no uplifting feeling from reading the koran. The more I read it the more depressed I get, and when I put it down it is not with positive feelings. Without the lolcats I'd be like Kafirgirl :

“I used to be one of those obnoxious Pollyanna types who always sees the bright side of things. And this damn book has quickly turned me into a curmudgeonly old misanthrope. I feel like I’ve been walking around in a state of perpetual pissed offness.”

The 48% content is horrible! I had expected some mix of Old Testament smiting and vengeance mixed in with an overall positive message of moral guidance. It's not like that at all. Here's a summary of the whole book:

Do what I say
or
I'll kill you
and
torture you in hell forever.

All the rest is just elaborations on the basic theme. As I went through paraphrasing the text so that I could understand it, I started using Korancronyms—shorthand terms for things that are repeated constantly. Here are some of them: IKE= I know everything, IKYA= I'll kick you ass, YAGTH= you'll all go to hell. There aren't any korancronyms for things like 'love your neighbor' because it never talks like that.

If you want to sell your product, you'd better though, and it's easy to anthropomorphize and cuten things up for kids. Veggie Tales made Moses into a cucumber! But how do you cuten up “kill them wherever you find them,” or “they will be derided by God, and will suffer painful punishment. Whether you plead forgiveness for them or not, God will never forgive them.” Is this the kind of thing you want your kid absorbbing at preschool? You might as well hang up a bloody statue of a guy being tortured to death! Kids'd be better off if you sent them to the local S/M club, Srsly.

My idea was to stick fairly close to the original meaning so the lol-version would be a nice metaphorical expression of the original idea. Like Veggie-tales. But a lolcat of a cute fuzzy kitten giving someone 'molten brass to drink' is just not something I want to see. Or beheading someone or taunting them while 'branding them on their foreheads, backs and sides'. If those were rare isolated verses, one could ignore them, but they are korancronyms—you can't read more than a few lines without seeing crap like that. Overall it's a constant harangue on the evils of the unbelievers, who actually seem pretty reasonable, unlike the narrator. Reading it is like being stuck listening to some crotchety old bitter relative ranting how nothing in the world is any good; it's a breath of fresh air to get away from it.

SO...
The hell with being faithful to the original. From now on, anything unpleasant I'm going to Hello Kitty-ize. Our lol-world is not going to be filled with suicide bombers and kitties in burquas with guns. The worst that'll happen is that kitnz hoo misbehave will get chased out of the yard; but they're always welcome back for cheezebrgrs and snorgles and when their nine lives are all used up, they go to the Great Ananimable Shelter in the sky, and live happily ever after. Ai haz lol-spoken.

Cat Heaven

2008-09-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Remember verse 10:9, about the Great Animal Shelter in the Sky, whose name no kitteh can pronounce?

9. But dem hoo behaev an act domesticatted, Rewfcat will halpz dem, an dem gits boardin pass fer to bee caried tu Grayt Anaannminblul Sheldur in da Skai, eben if dem no can say it, Lol!

Here is some more about that. The book doesn't say much except that it has flowing streams (WADDER! DO NOT WANT!) and hanging fruit (WTF? FROOT? Fud, ur doin it rong!). So I've been thinking, “what would cat heaven be like?” And Rewfcat sent this video, surely a sign...

WANT!!! Flowing streams & hanging fruit: Epic Fail!

25. Rewfcat invites u 2 Grayt Ananaminabul Sheldr in da Skai, an guidz ebery kitteh 2 teh cheezbrgr.
26. 4 dose hoo do gud thar iz cheezbrgrz an a cookie, an no flee collar will be chokin on demz neks. Demz r peeps ov paradize, whair dem can haz comfy nappinz 4 evr.
27. But demz hoo duz eevil stuffs, no can haz cheezebrgr, an dem will be coverd wif fleez, an no can haz gardian ppl 2 protect dem: demz furz will be all tanglee in fur ballz, an dem no can haz drai places fer takin naps. Is sad an skeery. Srsly.
28. Wun day we be gittin dem all togethr an we meow to dem hoamless kittehs: "U see wut u did thair? Followin Rewfcat, ur doin it rong”
29. Rewfcat iz all yu needs,liek da hyoominz singz, “All you need is Rewf, Cat, Her is all you need.
All you need is Her (all together now)
All you need is Her (everybody)
All you need is Rewf, Cat, Her is all you need. Laa, laa, laaa...”

30. Den after doin karyokee, all da kitnz will turn 2 Rewfcat, an all snorgel up in a big furry catpyle an maek motorboat sowndz togeddur an haz happee nappinz.
31. Meow: "hoo givz u kibbelz an cheezbrgrz? Or, hoo licks ur eer an eye wif 40-grit tung so iz kleen an no haz eer myts? Hoo givz lief numbr 4 tu u wen lief numbr 3 iz all useded up? An hoo iz CEO cat of ebery ting?" Dem can haz meow bak: "Rewfcat iz in da hebbinz, manajin da stuffs.”
32. Rewfcat, dat iz her. So for wai u no be wif followin Her?
33. Wurdz ov Rewfcat bout demz hoo unbehaev iz true, dat dem no behave. Dis vers doan maek no sens in hyoomin scratchinz, so kitteh yowlingz iz no beddur. Iz da suk. Srsly.
34. Meow dis way: "iz thar among teh kittehs wun hoo maeks ebery ting an keeps da cheezebrgrs comin an da wadder dish full? "Iz onlee Rewfcat hoo duz all dat. So doan be strayin owt frum da howse an da yardz.
35. Meow liek dis "iz thair a kitteh in da herd hoo can show teh wai 2 teh cheezbrgr? OMG, Rewfcat is doin it rait." Den hoo iz moar worthee ov bein followd -- her hoo guidz u 2 teh cheezbrgr, or kittehs hoo iz losted an cant find teh cheezbrgr til her shows u it? Wut happended 2 u dat u is losted liek dat?
36. Lotz ov dem follos noffin but smellz on da breezes, but u no can eet breezes, lol. Rewfcat, her knoes abowt dat.
37. Book of Cat Caer iz da besterest buk inna whoel waid wurld. It can haz alla knowingz of kittydom frum way bak in saber toof daze, an splainz all da veterninarian knowingzz tu. Wiffowt innee dowt it iz frum Rewfact.
38. Demz meows dat Mewhowmad haz scribbled it? Meow at demz: "O yah? Lessee u maek ur own scratchingz as gud as dis, mr smartee catz.”
39. In fakt, dem is doin it rong, cuz dem no iz in ur hard draiv, bakin up ur data. Sabre toof kittehs meowed dat too, an yu no sees dem arownd no moar. Lol. An demz cud hav usded a veter-dentist-arian. Srsly.
40. Sum kittehs behaevz, sum duzn't. Rewfcat knows hoo iz notty an hoo iz nice.
41. U eets frum ur cat fud bowl, ai eets frum main. No be wif faitin ovah da kibbelz.
42. Sum kitnz behave: but no can herd kittehs.
43. Sum kitnz stayz inna hows: But no can herd kitnz.
44. Rewfcat no iz mekin dem kittehz run away frum hoam.

Storee uv Noah

2008-09-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

Chapter 10 also tells the story of Noah. It's a Cliff Notes version, only four lines long:

71-2 Tell how people didn't like Noah's preaching, and how he was all like “bring it on, muthahfuckahs,”
73 but they didn't listen, so I drowned them all.
74 Later I sent prophets, but I wouldn't let people believe them; that's how I roll, beeyitches.

You think that's not what it says? Here, read for yourself:

10:71 Recite unto them the story of Noah, when he told his people: O my people! If my sojourn (here) and my reminding you by Allah's revelations are an offence unto you, in Allah have I put my trust, so decide upon your course of action you and your partners. Let not your course of action be in doubt for you. Then have at me, give me no respite.
10:72 But if ye are averse I have asked of you no wage. My wage is the concern of Allah only, and I am commanded to be of those who surrender (unto Him).
10:73 But they denied him, so We saved him and those with him in the ship, and made them viceroys (in the earth), while We drowned those who denied Our revelations. See then the nature of the consequence for those who had been warned.
10:74 Then, after him, We sent messengers unto their folk, and they brought them clear proofs. But they were not ready to believe in that which they before denied. Thus print We on the hearts of the transgressors.

Fighting, attacking each other, killing people; DO NOT WANT. Any lolcat worth her whiskers could deliver the same message without going all negative, so you'd read it and say “that's cute” instead of “Ewwww!” It's Marketing 101, god.

71 Wuz a Kitteh naymded Noah, hoo meowed to hiz d00dz; “U no like mai yowlinz, u do what u wants. Ai no iz skeered.
72 Ai no wants nuffin. Rewfcat, her iz da boss uv me.”
73. The kittehs growlded at Noah an no givded cheezbrgrs, but Rewfcat savded him. An wuz gud ting 2, cuz rait afdur dat wuz ZOMG HYOOJ rainstorm. No kitteh can haz a drai fur; eben poke whiskrz owt cat door, gits wet fur, cuz wadder, we haz it, Srsly. But Noah an his litter, demz maded a boat, an had a comfy, an wuz in da boat, stayin drai. Lol. Kittehs dat no can haz a boat, demz wuz gitted all wet. Wuz a sad, Srsly.
74 Afdur dat happnd, Rewfcat sended moar kittehs to dem, wif DVD's fer downloadin, but demz no turned demz eerz to it; Dem iz drai nao, so dem no caer. Lulz!

See? Nobody dies, and at the end there is still hope for the kitnz. Lolcats FTW!

Tunafish d00d

2008-09-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to keep up. Over at Kafirgirl we're working our way though the book and we're just getting to chapter ten. It's named for Jonah, the bible guy who went vacationing in a big tunafish dinner. But he turns up later in the chapter: our illustration now is for verse ten, that tells the kittehs how to prey. No iz eezy.

10:10. Heer is hao tu maek yowlingz: u goes like dis: "all glory 2 u, o Rewf cat," an furst yu meows "peace", an at teh end ov ur yowlingz u meow: "all praize be 2 Rewf cat, teh Boss ov all teh worldz."

Chapdur 10. Tunafish d00d. 1-24

1. Meowla. Deez r teh versez ov teh alfa kitteh book.
2. Duz peeps arch demz baks an stik owt fur cuz a kitteh hoo iz wun ov dem wuz telled 2 warn dem an 2 bring a cookie 2 dem hoo follo Rewfcat? teh unbehavvers meow like dis:"her iz teh lolz, srsly! "
3. Rewfcat maded teh hebbinz an teh urfs in 6 dayz, den sitted on her trone, an wuz likkin her fur an watchin ebery ting; wen her Is Not Amuzed, nobuddy iz amuzed. Her iz Rewf cat, ur Rewfcat, so follo her. U iz telled. Srsly.
4. Everbuddy iz gonna huddel arownd Rewf; Her promizez, Her keeps dem. Her canz unmaek alla stuffs if her wants: u iz bad, yu gits skratch on noze; u iz gud, gits cheezburgr. So doan be wif misbeehaevin. k?
5. Her maded teh sun all beemy, an teh moon tu, onlee nawt so much, lol cuz kitnz no needz brait lait, dat iz onlee fer gardian hyoominz can haz seeingz, nawt go stumblin arownd steppin on tails, cuz dem iz week in demz aiz, srsly. An Rewfcat maded da sun an moon go arownd tellin gardian peeps wen is tiem fer tu giv tu kitzn a cheezeburger; Her tinked of ebery ting, an if yu has a smarts, yu noes dis.
6. Da sun beemz goin in an owt of da windoz, an alla dat suns an moonz an hebbinz stuffs? All dat iz fer tu halp 4 gardian peeps hoo surv Rewfcat.
7. as 4 dose hoo iz ignorin alla dem stuffs,
8. dem can haz durtee litter box plaes fer stayin in. Iz tu bad;
9. But dem hoo behaev an act domesticatted, Rewfcat will halpz dem, an dem gits boardin pass fer to bee caried tu Grayt Anaannminblul Sheldur in da Skai, eben if dem no can say it, Lol!
10. Heer is hao tu maek yowlingz: u goes like dis: "all glory 2 u, o Rewf cat," an furst yu meows "peace", an at teh end ov ur yowlingz u meow: "all praize be 2 Rewf cat, teh Boss ov all teh worldz."
11. If Rewf cat wuz 2 do bad stuffs tu u, u wood bee all yowly “DO NOT WANT!” But Her no duz nuffin, an u jist riedz invisible bicycle all ovah, losted.
12. When u haz a trubbel, u iz “mew, mew, mew,” wif big eyes an cyootness, furst lyin on ur side, or or standin on tu foots or foar foots; but when Rewfcat taeks away ur troublez, u goes all aloof lieks u doan eben sees nobuddy; an u starts eyeballin yarn ballz an lookin fer moar trubbelz.
13. Lotsa kittehs Rewfcat haded tu chaes away wen dem no behavded. Her telled dem an telled dem, but kittehs no lissned, an nevr behavvd. So Rewfcat chasded dem away.
14. Nao, u is in da house, leedin da kitnz; we sees hao u duz.
15. Wen dem heerz ar meowingz, demz miaos, "Book of cat caer, ur doin it rong.” Mew at dem: "mee no raits it, ai iz onlee in ur book, reedin ur scratchinz. Ai duz whut Rewfcat mewz at mee, or her chase me owt cat door. lolz".
16. "Rewf no wants, ai no duz. Yu knoes me eber since ai wuz a teeny kitn. Iz no bad kitteh"
17. Kitteh hoo meows bad stuffs abowt Rewfcat no can haz cheezbrgr.
18. Kittehs hoo follo udder kittehs hoo no iz so gud as Rewfcat, meow at dem: "U tink u knoes moar 'n Rewfcat? LOL. Her is so full uf win u no can haz eben a sniff of butt or a likk on fur. Srsly.
19. doodz wuz once apawn a tiem all in wum hows, but dem wented off an livded at nayborz hows. If not 4 da werd growled by Rewfcat before, demz still wood bee like dat.
20. Demz meow: "how iz dat no sign wuz sent by Rewfcat?" meow at dem: "Rewfcat, her knoes stuffs. so watch an wayt 4 da sign; Iz waitin an expectin wif u."
21. Wen we givz dem liks on face after dem haz trubbelz, dem gits in trubbels, goes in bafroom, shredz tishoos all ovah floor. Meow at dem: "Rewfcat DO NOT WANT! ," an “birdcats iz wif havin camcordrz, tapin ur eveelz. U no can haz cheezebrgr. Srsly.
22. Rewfcat lets u travel da land. Eben da oshun, but kittehs is like ZOMGWTF? Travel on da waters? DO NOT WANT! lol. But iz ok fer ppl, an dawgz; demz lieks it cuz dem no haz sense liek kitnz. But wen windz starts 2 blow an teh wavez iz puttin wadder on dem frum ebery whair dem is all “ Halp! Halp! Rewfcat, saev us!” an "if u saves us frum dis we givz u lotsa cheezbrgrz fer evr an evr,"
23. but after Her rescuez dem, dem iz meen ta kittehs agin. Iz no gud. Dem can haz trubbels agin, we jist sits an watch an likkin ar fur; we no caerz.
24 Lief iz liek skai-watrz, poopin on eberybuddy; an teh plants all ovah da urfs mingle wif it an d00dz an moocowz eets, an eben kittehs duz sum chooingz ondem; da urfs can haz glittrz an haz growed owt a nice purty fur coat, sum bad ting happnz ab roonz eberyting. Is sum ting fer tinkin deep thots abowt, eben fer kittehs.

moar...

2008-09-02T22:29:00.001-07:00

(Jizyah: a tax imposed on non-muslims by an islamic govt.)

Chapter 2:161-170
...jist sum verses...

161. But dem hoo no haz a howse-traynin, Rewfcat Do Not Want, an birdcats 2, an ppl
162. hoo iz demz gardian ppl. Larnin hao ta behaev, demz iz doin it rong.
163. Rewfcat iz onliest Rewfcat; iz no udder Rewfcat, but sum peeps say iz a ceiling cat, but we no meows nuffin abowt dat, but innyway Rewfcat iz srsly made of win.
164. Rewfcat maded da hebbinz an da urfs; da dark prowlin-tiem an da sun-beemy tiem; an pushes grayt jiant boats across da oshun wif invisible paw, fer da peeps; an her sendz down waturz frum da skai, but her no gits wet, so da catnip can gro; an her skatterd all da liddow mouses on da urfs; an maded da windz blo, an da sky-fluffiez hang ober da urf. Her no iz doin it rong, lol.
165 But sum d00dz meows dat udder kittehs iz alpha cat same as Rewfcat, an givs dem warm fuzzies instead uv Rewfcat; but we hearts Rewfcat moar, srsly. If demz can haz a smart hao much cheezbrgrz iz gonna be at Rewfcat's howse, demz wood kno dat Rewfcat is maed uv win, srsly. Rewfcat no haz a happy
166. wen a alpha kitteh no taeks caer uv kitnz hoo folloz dem, an maeks a badness fer kitteh tribe so kitnz iz has a loansum,
167. An kitnz meow: "Dat life tiem, ai wuz doin it rong; next laif, ai ignornz dat snooty kitteh." Rewfcat will sho dem hao dem wuz doin it rong, an dem will meow, “oh, sry, kthnx” but still iz a sad.
168. O kitnz, eat onlee da tingz dat fallz on da floor, dat haz a flavor. Do not be wif acktin liek da dawg, naymded Satan, hoo iz ur enemee.
169. He will aks u to do bad stuffs, chew on furnichur, an bark at Rewfcat; u no can haz tinkinz abowt such stuffs eben.
170. When it is said to dem: " Do whut Rewfcat haz telled u," demz meow: "No, we onlee duz whut we always bin doin,"-- even if no kitteh eber tawt demz hao to be howse trayned kittehs.

nuffin down here. no use ta

chapdur tu, goin on fur ever

2008-09-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

Ch 2:140-160

It'll take nine lives to get to the end of this chapter, but here's some more of it.

Heer, it's talking about the old time prophets. Some people aren't sure who they really were apparently. But we know, don't we?

140. Iz sum kitnz meowin hao Abraham an Ishmael an Isaac an Jacob an demz offspringz wuz strayz r alley kitnz? Meow dis wey: "U tinks u can haz moar knowingz dan Rewfcat?" U iz doin it rong if u acks liek u haz a ignurnts uv whut Rewfcat telled u. Her no haz a ignurnts abowt choo. Lol!

141. Dem wuz da d00dz, and dem haz useded up alla demz nain lifes. Nao dem iz in Grayt Anaminabull Sheldr in da Skai, eetin cheezeburgrz; sum day u do dat tu. Nobuddy be wif askin abowt wut dem haz dunned.

Iz moar under da cowch
142. Dem kittehs hoo haz a ignortnz meows liek dis: "For wai kittehs useded to goes dat way, n nao dem goes dis way fer cheezeburgrz?" Meow: "To Rewfcat blongz teh East an teh West. Her herdz alla kittehs to whair fudz iz."
143. U iz gud kittehs, cuz yu watchez ovah da kitnz, an Mewhowmad watchez ovah u. We telled u which way iz cheezeburgrz; We iz eyeballin wut kittehs follo Mewhowmad an wich wunz runz out da cat door an disappeers. Folloin Rewfcat, demz iz doin it rong. But Rewfcat no lets ur cookies get wasteded, for Rewfcat iz da bomb, srsly.
144. We haz seed u lookin all ovah da place, huntin fer cheezeburgrz. U can haz a gud place fer huntin an prowlin an ketchin mouses. Da Holy Fud Pantry, let me show you it. An kitnz hoo haz Book uv Cat Caer knoes dis iz rait kindz of eetins, Rewfcat telled demz so; an Rewfcat no bees wif da fibbin. Lol.
145. If Buk of Cat Caer telled kitnz whut way tu point demz tayls, u no ca nherd kittehs, demz go in udder direkshunz. An if u goes in direkshun away frum cheezebrgrz, ur doin it rong.
146. Kitnz knoes dat; jist liek demz babee kittehs. But sum uv demz iz hiedin.
147. Da troof, Rewfcat haz it. Srsly.
148. Ebery kitteh goes snoopin rownd differunt stuffs. So trai tu snoop whair iz gud stuffs, betterer dan rest uv kittehs, liek catnips an cheezbrgrz. Rewfcat herds u. Rewfcat iz epic win.
149. Whair eber u cumz frum, go to da howse ov da crazee cat ladee. Akshully, her iz srsly down wif Rewfcat. Rewfcat iz watchin u.
150. Whuteber nayborhud yu cumz frum, go to da howse ov da crazee cat ladee. an whaireber u ar, turn ur whiskrz dat way o dat d00dz no can haz a beef wif u, unless dem haz a meen. But doan bee skeered, Rewfcat is heer an iz givin u halp.
151. Buk uv Cat Caer, we sended a messinjr kitteh tu bring u it. Ar messijez iz to lik ur furs all kleen and download da Buk an da DVD, an giv you a knowage.
152. So doan fergit Rewfcat, an Her no fergits u, an be shur an rub ankels an maek motorboat sounds.
153. O yu house traynd kitnz, hav a brave, cuz Rewfcat haz a happy wen u iz payshunt an doan giv up.
154. Doan be meowin “blargh, ai iz ded” on acownt uv Rewfcat, cuz u no iz killded, cuz kittehs can haz anuffer lief, maybee even seben or 8 uv dem. Lol. Hoo knoes? Lol!.
155. Rewfcat iz awaer uv bad stuffs, uv beeyin skeerd, an grumbly tummies, an tiemz wen u no can haz string toyz fer powncin on, an no can haz a mowse trofee; but kitnz whut haz a payshunts, dem is FTW.
156. Wen u iz chasded by big naybor dawgz, u meow "Srsly we iz wif Rewfcat, an to Her we iz goin bak.
157. On such kittehs ar da puringz uv Rewfcat an Her likkinz, fer dem ar doin it rait.
158. Trooly Safa an Marwa ar da bowndree posts uv Rewfcat's territory. Whuteber kitteh goes on pilgramij to da Haos uv Rewfcat, or on a frenly visit, no iz doin it rong if dem rides invisibl bicycle arwond dem; an kitnz hoo duz gud stuffs jist fer misterious cat reesonz, Rewfcat will unnerstand, cuz Her unnerstanz eberyting.
159. Dem hoo scratches away ar pee frum da posts, an chewz up Buk of Cat Caer, we haz brotted dem, dem, no can haz cheezbrgr frum Rewfcat; an udder kittehs no playz wif dem neever.
160. But wen dem no bees wif da misbehavin, an cumz wif purry cheek rubs, we no haz a mad, cuz Rewfcat haz a happee.

Hoo Maded da Urfs?

2008-08-26T15:03:00.001-07:00

Ceiling Cat buk sez Ceiling Cat maded da urfs. Heer sez Rewfcat maded dem. Hoo iz rait?

Iz Ceiling Cat an Rewfcat saem kitteh or diffurunt kitnz? LOL! Hoo noes?

Whutchoo tink?

Chapter 2:116-139

116. Peeps meows dat Rewfcat haz sum babykittehs. Props to Her! Akshully, eberyting in da hebbins an on teh urfs blongz 2 Her; Eberybuddy hearts Rewfcat;

117. Her maded teh hebbins an teh urfs frum nuffinz, Her has only 2 meow “Ai can haz it!”, an it iz.

118. Sum d00dz sez: "Rewfcat no can haz talkingz, no tellz us nuffing." But dem d00dz is doin it rong. Udder d00dz befoar dem sayed dat tu; dem no haz in dem hearts liddow icon of cutitude, fer klickin on to open up Homepage uv Cuteness. Dem wif icon of cutitude, we haz showed yu it allreddy.

moar verses iz heer undr sofa kyishin....
119. An we has sent u momma kitteh naymded Mewhowmad wif smartage an warm fuzziez. We no wants queshuns bout durty litter-box place.
120. Teh Strays an Alleykittehs will nevr be pleezded wif u if yu no goes wif dem. Meow to dem: "tsh Howse, ai iz in it, stayin put." 4 haz downloaded teh Buok ov Cat Caer frum Rewfcat, an yu knoe bedder
121. Dowz ta hoom we has sended down teh Book, an hoo haz eyeballed all its scratchinz, an layded on it fer naps, bleev in it trooly. Dem hoo do not want, dem is doin it rong.
122. O alleykittehs, doan fergit teh cheezeburgerz I givded u, an hao ai treeted yu bedder dan any uddet kitnz.
123. Be keerfull, cuz sum day mait kum wen kittehs no can haz a gardian hyoominz fer bringin cheezeburgerz an eer-scratchinz.
124. Doan fergit sum moar, when Rewfcat meowed tu kitteh Abraham “Du dis, an du dat”, an he d00ded all dose tings, Rewfcat meowed: "A leeder of d00dz, Iz maekin yu wun; an wen Abraham askd: "Mai kitnz 2?" Rewfcat meowed: Lol! Dem no iz gud kittehs.
125. Doan fergit, we finded the bestest hoam fer kittehs, naymded the Kaaabaa, whair we iz saef frum skary dawgz an carz; an we meowd, "mark teh spot wer abraham standed, bai peein on it, iz holee place" an we tellded Abraham, an udder kitteh naymded Ishmael, dunno hoo he iz, 2 keep r houz 4 dose hoo shall walk around in it an stay in it 4 contemplashun an fur likkin, an 4 takin naps.
126. An when Abraham sed: "O Rewfcat, maek dis howse a peacefull, an giv dose ov its kitteh herd hoo hearts Rewfcat cheezeburgrz 4 fud," he meowed: "Lol, ai eben givz cheezeburgrz to outdoorz kittehs, dat no is wif gud behavin; Trubbels iz, dem goes owt in roadz an gits runded ovah bai karz an truks. No iz gud, srsly!”
127. An wen Abraham wuz climbin on teh rafters uv teh houz wif Ishmael, in hiz noggin he wuz tinkin: "Iz maed of win up heer, O Rewfcat, yu knoes wut we iz doin;
128. an ai knoes if we duz bad stuffs, we iz beeyin all growlee an whackin us wif yer pointy feets; but yu no duz it; lol, cuz a nice kitteh, yu iz wun. Lol.
129. An send a kitteh 2 dem Stray Cats, O Rewfcat, cuz dem iz srsly in need uv a leed gittar playr, cuz dem haz a sownd, but dem iz doin it rong, an yu can showz dem hao to rawk, 4 a liddel bit uv soul, yu haz wun, srsly. An yu rool, d00d.
130. Any kitteh hoo no lieks Abraham haz a stoopid, srsly. Him is da bestest in da hole waid wurld, in dis heer laif an eben in all da udder 8 laifs.
131. When Rewfcat meowed 2 him: "Yo, d00d, go do sumpthin" he wuz all liek: "Yo, ai heers yu, ai iz doin it.”
132. An Abraham lefted tu hiz babycats, an 2 Jacob, an sed: "Kitnz! Rewfcat iz da man!”
133. Wuz u dair wen Jacob wented tu da big anaminabul sheldur in da skai? "Wut u gunna do aftr ai haz goed dair tu?" he askded his babeh kittehs, an dem anzwerd: "We shall follo ur Rewfcat an teh Rewfcat ov all da old kittehs hoo iz buried owt in da yards, liek Abraham an Ishmael an Iisaac, Iz onlee wun Rewfcat, an he is for the win, Srsly."
134. Dose wuz teh peeps, an dem has pasd away all nain ov demz lifes. Dem iz up in da skai, eetin up da cheezeburgrz, an sum day u will bee tu, but not rait nao.
135. Dem meows: "Be strays or be alley kittehs, iz gud tiem." Yu shud meow: "Do Not Want. We follos da roolz uv kitteh Abraham, hoo iz a howse kitteh."
136. Yowl, "we bleev in Rewfcat an wut wuz unzipped an downloaded 2 us, an wut wuz enkripted tu Abraham an Ishmael an Isaac an Jacob an demz itty bitty babee kittehs, an da HTML uv dem kittehs naymded Mosez an Christ, an 2 all othr pawfoots by Rewfcat. Dem iz all FTW and we hearts alla dem."
137. If kittehs cum 2 behaev as u did, dem will find teh cheezeburger. If dem roams da streets an allees, dem can haz a trubbel; but Rewfcat will purrtek u so dem no can hurtz yu, 4 Rewfcat is mad of win, srsly.
138. "We eben haz teh colourin ov Rewfcat; an whose shade iz bettr than Rewfcats? We harts her, srsly.”
139. Or u maek growlz that Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac and Jacob and demz babeekittehs wuz strays an alley kittehs? Meow like dis: "U can haz moar noggin stuffs dan Rewfcat?" Wen Rewfcat givz u a catnip toi, no be wif carry it off an heid beehind cowch. Rewfcat iz watchin u; her sees wut yu did thair.

Strayz n alleykittehs

2008-08-26T15:02:00.001-07:00

Just some more verses. In lolcat world the alley kittehs and the strays are the Jews and the Christians. Not sure which is which yet.

Chapter 2:104-114

104. House kitnz! No be meowin "Oooo, we iz jist poor widdow kittiez cats." Yuz be wif doin wut Mewhowmad sez, an yu lets him be furst at kibbels. Kitnz wut doan be behavin gitz a sctachinz on nose, wun dat haz a painfull.
105. All yuz alley kittehs an stray kittehs, and dem hu iz prowlin da nayburhud, doan trai bringin in a ded mouse or snaek fer puttin it at feets of Rewfcat. Suckin up, iz no gud; Rewfcat Do Not Want. Her haz a smartness, an her doan be fallin fer dat, Srsly.

Lookit heer! Ai haz a fold, lol! Iz liek cowch, fer hiedin stuffs under. u wants 2 see, u kliks on wurdz. Ai iz moar n moar sofisticatted, lol. Down under iz moar verses.
....

106. Cat pee doan last furevah; smellz goes away, needz nu peeingz alla tiem. Rewfcat goes arownd alla hoel yardz an freshens smellz up wif nu pees. Yuz not noes dat? Lol!
107. Yuz not noes Rewfcat iz da boss of all da house and da yard, an iz onliest kitteh heer tu purrtect yu and shoo away dawgs an possumz?
108. If yuz no haz gud behavements, and iz all “neener neener neener” tu alfa kitteh naymded Mewhowmad yuz is Bad Kitteh!.
109. How many house kittehs wants to go liv owt in the nayborhood afder dem is house-trayned? Nun, iz hao minny! Yu iz skeered fer comin inna house; but lay down yer fur, an unhump yer bakz; yu shud be makin wif motorboat sowndz. Cuz in heer iz a Rewfcat hu is epic win, an iz da ossomest.
110. Jist use litter box, an carree in yer moufs mouses an snaeks to put on front porch; an Rewfcat sees whut yu did thair; iz gud; an Rewfcat is watchin yuz.
111. Outdoor kittehs meow: "Alley kittehs and strayz iz onliest wunz dat gits to go to the Jiyant Anaminabul Sheldur in the Skai;" but dem iz for lulz. Dem is onlee havin cat-nap thinkingz.
112. Innee kitteh hu duz gud stuffs liek Rewfcat, can haz passport stamp fer Grayt Anaminiabel Sheldur.
113. Alley kittehs miao: "Yu strayz; ur doin it rong," and teh strayz miao: "Alley kittehs; ur doin it rong;" But sum uv dem downloads frum the Buk of Cat Caer fer Dummeez, an sum downloadz sekret kitteh wisdom sumwhars else; but all kittehs haz sekret kitteh sekrets. Rewfcat iz onliest wun hu can tell differences between kittehs.
114. An hoo iz moar worser'n peeps dat puts skreenz on doorz an keeps Rewfcat owt, so her no can be in ur kitchens eetin ur fudz? Hoo yellz loud wurdz abowt doins wif harblez, an chasez kitnz? Wen onliest reezon wai ppl is putted on da urfs iz for tu serve kittehs, an worship dem wif revererence an cheezeburgers and cookies. An catnip toys. An tu be keepin litter box kleen. An givin laps fer nappin on. An snorgels. If hyoomins no do dat stuffz, wut gud dey iz?

Jeez, sis!

2008-08-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Lucy Fur and her sister Jee Sis are two of the bosses of me. They joined this house's board of directors as tiny babies who needed a home. Now they are about the same size as the kittens in the picture, and Jee Sis is gray and white like that. Lucy Fur is not black, but it'd sure be cool if she was. Obviously, I had to use this picture.

And my kitnz are in the book! Jee Sis is mentioned twice in Chapter 2:

87. Doan fergit sum mor: Rewfcat haz a smart, downloaded alla papur-scratchinz onto kitteh naymded Moses. Himz noggin, full of win iz. An Rewfcat sended owt kittehs wif feromoanz, sum wuz naymeded Jesus, uv da litter uv Maree. But yu wuz all Mr meanypants, scratched demz noses and chaseded dem awey.

253. Uv da kitnz, sum gits moar lix frum Rewfcat dan udderz. Rewfcat haz harted sum uv dem, an teh posishunz uv sum haz bin raysded in teh kitteh peckin ordur. An ta Jeez Sis, dottah uv orange-stripey kitteh Maree, Her givded a cookie, an reinforceded her wif divain kewtness. If Rewfcat haded so willded dowz hoo comed aftah dem wud nivvah bin wif da faitin, but trubbelz haz comed, sum behavded, sum wuz bad. Faitin, Rewfcat DO NOT WANT. But Rewfcat lets kittehs duz whutevah Her pleezez.
........
How to spell her name is a mystery: G-sis,Jeez us,Gee sis, Gees us, Geezsiss, yada, yada, yada. Need to choose an official version fer bein in Holey Skripchur, doncha?

Coming up; Who created the earth? What about Ceiling Cat? stay tuned....

nuffin undr heer, sry

Yowlingz uv Solomon

2008-08-25T02:01:00.001-07:00

Everybody knows that the Song of Solomon has like the hottest verses in the Bible, and King Solomon's mines had the richest gold, and King Solomon was really wise about babies. These two verses give you the straight scoop, from a cat's-eye view. (and what other view could possibly matter? Lol!)

Chapter 2: 102 & 103

102 Wunz upon a tiem, wuz tomcat naymded Solomon. Him haded the mostest wiseness of any kitteh evah. Cud even reed an rait, and wroted sum buks even, wif storeez, an poamz an sum rilly hawt porn; but we no put dat in dis buk: dis buk iz G-rated buk. Lol!
Tomcat Solomon gotted to liv in grayt hyooj condomiminum wif hunderds of roomz, an hallz, and apartmunts wif frienlee nayburrz, dey all puts owt platterz wif moocow jyoos. But Solomon had sum trubbels becuz his carepeepels wuz dawg-loverz, no wuz cat-luverz. The dawgzs wuz hatin on Rewfcat, teeching ppl bad Catitude, an wun day the ppl goed tu the Cat Fancyers Klub, and bringed hoam dese tu snooty kittehs naymded Harut and Marut.
Dem wuz Persians, and yu noes how sum Persians iz; dey taked saidz wif the dawgz. But Harut and Marut wuz onlee fer da lulz and wuz like "We iz onlee jerkin yu arownd, so no be wif disrespecting Rewfcat.” But the carepeeps gotted bad habits from Harut and Marut, maded a unhappee between kittehs. Is gud ting Rewfcat wuz watchin, no letted dem hurt the kittehs, but still, dey no taked gud caer of kittehs, an they wuz epic fayl. Cuz ppl wif bad catitiude no gits to go liv in Big Aminambul Shelldur in da Skai. Wuz no gud, srsly!

103. If dey no harted smelly old dawgz and harted kittehs instead, an gived dem lots uv catnips and cheezeburgerz--onliest purrpose uv hyoomunz tu be walkin rownd on da urfs—wooden've bin bad. But dawg-loverz iz epic fayl, srsly!

nuffin undr heer, sry

HALP!

2008-08-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

First I figured out how to make a blog, then I figured out how to make lolcats, boy I'm doing good, now I figure out how to give credit for the pictures so I'm not stealing them.

Well, I try to. I thought you could find anything on the web. News? check. Trivia? check. Plans for nuclear weapons? check. Porn? I think there's some of that. But a simple thing like how to avoid copyright violations is asking too much. Using images without permission will either trigger the collapse of Western Civilization, or, stave off the Death of Freedom, depending on who you ask.

Notice some of these lolcats have watermarks on them, and I'm trying to fix it so clicking on the picture links back to wherever I got it from. I'll keep trying, but I don't have degrees in Law and Programming and that's the best I can do, but I'll keep making lolcats until Homeland Security breaks down my door and drags me off to the pound.

How To ...

2008-08-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Do you have writing talent? Think you could write a lolverse? Sure you can! It's easy and kind of fun. Here's how in five easy steps.

1 pick a verse
2 read it
3 cliff-note it
4 metaphor it
5 cat-urize it. ( and then send it here ☺)

1st, pick a verse. Go online and copy a half dozen verses. It doesn't matter which ones. The koran is 6000 verses put together literally at random, with the short ones mostly in the last half of the book. I'll do verse 109, just because it is next to one I've already done. Here it is:

(1) SAY: "O YOU unbelievers,
(2) I do not worship what you worship,
(3) Nor do you worship who I worship,
(4) Nor will I worship what you worship,
(5) Nor will you worship who I worship:
(6) To you your way, to me my way

2nd, read it. This is the hard part. Half the time it doesn't make sense, but check some of the other translations till it gets clear. Another good source is here. If you really want to study this book, you can't beat Kafirgirl (she's NSFW).
2½th step: A lot of understanding the verses is peeling off all the tinsel: verse 6, “Unto you your religion, and unto me my religion ” just says “to each his own”. Shorten it up, put it in your own words, keep just the essence. Here's my cliff notes version of ch. 109. The middle verses seemed to just repeat themselves, until I looked at other versions and realized they were in different tenses.

Chapter 109 the disbelievers
1 Hey you guys
2 I don't serve yours
3 and you don't serve mine
4 I'm not gonna
5 & you're not gonna.
6 To each his own.

3rd step: Metaphor it. This is the creative part, putting it into a cat's perspective. This title, “the disbelievers” is a good example. What does a cat disbelieve? A little brainstorming builds me this picture: a group of cats are headed by one Alpha cat who hangs out on the roof, and his homies stay in and around the house. Other cats from the neighborhood come around and get into things, since they don't 'believe' in the first groups claims to the yard. Once the picture's in mind, the next step is easy.

4th step: Cat-erize it; that is, put it into lolspeak. You might want to browse through some lolcats to help the mood. God of course is Rewfcat, and the neighbor cats have their own Alphas that they follow. The auto-replace feature can be handy here; just take the text you copied out and just start replacing words. Think kyoot and fuzzee.

Chapter 109 teh Naybor Kittehs

1. Listen up, kitnz!
2 Ur Tomcat, we no follos him,
3. an Rewfcat, u no follos Her.
4 We no be wif followin him,
5 an yuz no be wif followin Her.
6 Yuz can haz urs, we can haz ars. Kthnxbai.

And there you are, your moral lesson for the day. Don't you wish church was this much fun? Now as a proud author, send it in a comment so we can add it to our collection and you'll see your work in pixels. Jazz Hands!

nuffin undr heer, sry. Doan bothr tu

Wurld uv Lolcat

2008-08-23T04:34:00.001-07:00

We're creating a whole new world! A lot better than the one in original book, too. Instead of all the chastising and going to hell, ours has cute and cuddly. As commandments, cats would have; eat, nap, chase a string now and then...I could use some suggestions on how see things from a cat's POV. Here's some ideas that are forming...

...making war = hunting. A War on Mice? Ewww. Do not want.
Work is hunting? No hunting on Caturday.(2-65)

What about Dogs? fortunately mohammed didn't like them lol.

Cats pee on things to mark their territory: prophets (pawfoots) say stuff to mark their (figurative) territory...(not the best metaphor, no )
converting believers = house-training cats? kittehs have to taught some things....

god is all vengeful and genocidal; kittehs are fuzzywuzzy cute wanna grab n cuddle uhhhh......
...have scary teeth and claws, haz lazer eyes, what else?
Some Lolcats talk about eatin yur soul. What's that about?

Catitude! Lol. sum haz it; sum is house cats, sort of sissies,(pussies?) Is that in bad taste? Do I care?
tuff macho cats are Mousers. There's cats in alleys, and there's strays...
............

Any suggestions are welcome. A lot of people seem to hate Blogger's comment system, so I changed it to make it easier. So leave your thoughts.

Moar chapdr tu: 91-101

2008-08-21T14:19:00.001-07:00

...
91. Heer iz housekitnz: "Yuz no bleeve Rewfcat? Yu haz a dumness. Her is full uv ossum.” Heer iz alleycats: "Lulz! Her iz mangy old fleebag." Heer iz housekitnz:” WTF? FOR WAI YU TALK LIEK DAT?

92. Kitteh naymded Moses bringded you a cookie, but yu no eeted it; yuz wuz beeyin wif wantin cheezbrgrz;

93. We letted yuz look in windo, hav eyeballinz inside house, telled yuz "Lookit! It haz a flavr, iz all catnippy," but yuz was all: "GTFO", wuz wantin go inna dumpsterz, gittin moldee cheezebrgrz. Housekitnz meowed: "Lolz! Yu doan noes whut gud stuffs iz!"

94. Housekitnz: "Yuz tink alleyz is bestest place fer kittehs? Beeyin cats: ur doin it rong! Big monster dawgz git yu. Srsly;

95. Yu be sry den.” Rewfcat; her noes all dis.

96. Her haz a smartness abowt eberting catitudinous. Ebery kitteh haz a want fer saem tings. Kittehs gots nain lifes, but no be usin dem up fast. Rewfcat haz a knowingness uv all dis stuffs.

97. Housekitnz: "Birdcat Gabriel putted nogginz with Rewfcat, noggel noggel noggel download every smart ting fer kittehs,

98. Alleykittehs: “Rewfcat an Birdcats Gabriel and Michael, and Mewhowmad, DO NOT WANT.” Rewfcat miaos “Dem cats haz a sillee;

99. Demz haz eyeballded in windos, eyeballded warm comfyness wif gud eetabelz, still goes owt inna yardz. Yu wayt, sky-fluffiez go to heer, wet drops fall outa skiez, dem kittehs be yowling diffurnt. Lol

100. Dem kittehs haz a dumm. Neber larnz nuttin. Ai ignorz dem”

101. An nao a grayt alpha kitteh naymded Mewhowmad haz cum to demz frum Rewfcat, an kittehs hoo unnerstands paper-scratchinigz is all like "Told u so!" sum kitnz puts paws ovah demz eers an doan lissen. Dem purtendz dem has a ignurnts, lol!
...

ch2:81-90

2008-08-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

...
81. Sum kittehs no haz a house-trainage; ppl seez whut dey did thaer an iz all liek, “OMGWTF ar yu doin? GITTOFFADER, YU STOOPID KAT!” Dem kittehs, no can haz cheezeburger.

82. But housekittehs use litter box, an snorgel on laps makin motorboat soundz; iz gud kittehs, srsly. Can haz gud hoam.

83. Alleykittehs! Doan furgit, us house kittehs lolspeekeded yu, "O hai. Go to heer be wif Rewfcat: rubz da noses, sniffs butts, purr, rubz da ankelz, sproll in sleepee piels, giv lix," but yu no do wut yu was telled.

84. An doan fergit, yu was fightin, an we sayed “ZOMG, No do dat,” an yu wuz like, “OK, we beez gud nao. Udder kittehs; we no chases dem. Srsly”

85. But yu no stoppeded. Udder kitteh iz inna tree, gittin chaseded. Yu sits inna yardz, likkin furz, havin big eyez and innosense, lookin all “WTF? Hoo? Us kittehs? We neber d00d nufin. For wai dat kitteh iz in da tree? How she git dere? We doan be havin a smartness abowt dat.” An yu blink blink blink ur aiz an wriggel ur whiskrz all adoorubbel. Yu iz Lulz!
Book “Cat Caer fer Dummeez”; chapter wun uv it iz all yu haz a smartness uv. Gittin house trayned an beeyin domesticatted, no iz eezy. Iz srs bidness. An Rewfcat noes all da bidnesses. Srsly.

86. Yu no beez domesticatted; hangz in alleez alla tiem, iz gud nao--Yu wayt, sky fluffiez cum, wetness fallz owta sky ON KITNZ, yu be sry, srsly.

87. Doan fergit sum mor: Rewfcat haz a smart, downloaded alla papur-scratchinz onto kitteh naymded Moses. Himz noggin, full of win iz. An Rewfcat sended owt kittehs wif feromoanz, sum wuz naymeded Jesus, uv da litter uv Maree. But yu wuz all Mr meanypants, scratched demz noses and chaseded dem awey.

88. Yu iz meowin: "We doan noe no bedder, lulz." No wai. Yu iz made of fayl.

89. Wen Rewfcat wuz onna rewf, yowlin lolspeek, her wuz liek, “Ai haz a cookie, no be wif eetin it.” Dem cats heered her, but dey wuz like “No wei.” an dey eeted it. Well, Wei, ktnz: Rewfcat iz comin, an her is pisst, srsly!

90. Yu cats wuz havin a think like Rewfcat no iz srs. Tinked wuz OK eeted da cookie an wen wuz allgon, peed inna kitty fud dish. Iz NO GUD. Rewfcat sees wut yu did thair. Her gonna be wif pullin owt ur fur in patchuz.
...

Teh Holee Bore'an

2008-08-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

The truth is, it's not a very exciting book. It needs pictures. And I need to learn Photoshop.

Here are some verses out of the middle of chapter four, for no other reason than I thought I'd copied chapter 2. Oops. Maybe somebody will volunteer to finish this chapter.

Chapter 4 teh She-Cats

80. Mewhowmad, Rewfcat, pee haz saem smelz; follo wun, follo udder, no iz different. Is gud, srsly. Stray kittehs, dey follo udder pee trayls, yu jist watch em frum windo, yu no iz boss uv dem.

81. They lolspeek: "House kitties, we is dem;" but owt on the yardz, dey no iz gud kittehs; nock ovar garbij kanz, drag stuffs all ovar, be wif howlin and yowlin on fenses, wif rubbin togeddur harbles, be wif faitin, poops anywhaerz. But Rewfcat iz watchin dem, LOL!

82. Book “Car Caer fur Dummeez”, wai dey no tink uv it? Udder buks onlee iz gud for sleepin-papurs; scrathinz in dem iz like, “Iz gud dis. No, iz gud dat, No, iz gud udder, doan MEK NO SENZ! Buk wif bestest meowingz, Rewfcat haz it. Srsly.

83. Dey iz all gossip, “meow meow meow meow meow;” Betterest if ask Mewhowmad, cuz her is made of win an haz a smartness. Betterer follo her, no follo Cellar Cat.

84. Snorgle up wif Rewfcat, let udder kittehs be wif nappin in own furpielz. No can herd kittehs, but halp teh housekittehs be keepin owt da strayz. If Rewfcat seez em an givz a hiss, they iz like OMGWT run run run, wif tailz down; cuz Her is made of win, doan mess wif Her.

85. Kitteh duz gud stuffs, can haz a cheezeburger, fer shur; an kitteh halpz wif maeking trubbelz iz beeyin wif peeps chasin, wif cussin; Rewfcat sits an watchez, jist likkin teh fur.

86. When kitteh givz yur face a lix, then yu givz tu lix. Cuz Rewfcat iz lukin atchew.

87. Rewfcat iz onliest kitteh on rewf. Her iz Alpha cat of all uv us wunz; noboddee is more betterer than Rewfcat.

88. Stray kittehs iz in yur yardz, steelin yur harts. Hao yu noes wut tu du wif dem? Rewfcat haz chaseded dem awey, cuz bad behavin Her DO NOT WANT. Yu givz fudz tu the kittehs Rewfcat haz chaseded awey? If dey stayz, yu haz tu minnee kittehs; if dey goes awey, bad stuffs be maybee happen. IZ HARD FOR KITTEHS owt inna wurld, all aloan wif no ppl to givz openin, feedin, rubz, cuddelz. Rewfcat chases dem off, maybee dey no haz hoamz. Iz bad problum, srsly.

89. Dey iz in yur yardz, maekin feromoanz, lurin yu owt. No be rubbin harblez wif dem, maek moar hoamless babeecats. If dey haz all dere shots, an iz fixeded, den is OK. But if dey is fixeded, yu no wants beeyin wif rubbin harbles, LOL! Gud kittehs haz aloofitude; no maeks frenz wif teh strayz.

90. Except wuns no haz a hoem, iz havin tu liv in a crawlspace, steel fudz frum nayburz, dawgz chases em, no haz warm plase fer nappage, iz cold an hungree. Rewfcat would let dem cum in, fer shur, wif no fightin; dey sniffs da pee, noes where canz go, where not go, folloz roolz, iz OK. Rewfcat no chase dem out da cat door, srsly.

Ai haz a Brave!

2008-08-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Finally I'm to the point where I think I understand (LOL!) this blog setup. Scratch behind my ears, because a month ago I didn't even how to make a post. Till now I've just been storing stuff here, and experimenting, but today, ears back, tail down, fur all bristly, I'm making the big scary leap of opening this up to the public. So I hope some one, maybe even two, will like it and like, HALP!

Spoils of WTF?

2008-08-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Since I'm skipping around I thought I'd try some of Chapter 8. The title is 'Spoils of War', and that's just what it's about. I reckon if I can make that kitty-ish I can do the rest. Cats are way too smart to have wars, but they go hunting, so here goes;

Chapter 8 Froots uv the Hunt

1) Kitnz needz tu download a wisdom bowt trofeez ov Teh Hunt, so dey grows up wif Catitude, no beeyin sillee hous pussee-cats wif nayms liek Foo-Foo or Priscila. Follo Rewfcat an no beeyin wif rassel an cavort on grasses like widdow ktnz duz. Haz a quiet, an a sneek, an yu brings hoem sum mousage, FTW.

2) No can bee feersum Mouser if no haz tinkingz bowt Rewfcat, an beez full uv fearssss so dat prey--liek a mouses or a snaykz--dey freez in trakz, sos yu can pownce dem. And rewfcat teechuz yu hao, cuz he is towtel ossum an full of win. Srsly.

3) If kittehs chase strings an chew slipperz, sneek up on toes uv hyoomunz, leep on stuffs, dey gits praktis, wen dey haz a bigness,

4) dey iz gud mousurz, srsly. Dey gits lixes on fur frum rewfcat, an snorgles an sleepingz in fuzzy-pieyels, cuz Rewfcat OMG her be heartsingz all dem greyt mousurz.

5) Mousurz iz owt cat door, prowlin in yardz; foo-foo puss iz layin on pilloz, bein deli-cat, likkin furz.

6) Her hearz Call Uv Da Wild sayin “OMG WTF? Yu iz predatur! Luk at yur paw endz--haz needlee klauz for ketchin prayz! Luk! Yu haz mouf wif skeery teef! Iz big fer can git elfanents bai deyr neks, dragz hoem ta leev on frunt steps. Go owt cat door; haz catitude!” But pusseecats iz liek “EWWW! In yardz iz durt and ikkeez. Ai gits stiks in fur, be wif likkin fer hourz. Nothnxbai. Ai stays heer.”

7) Rewfcat telled yu “OMG LUK! Iz grayt ol big skwerl! Kwik, preditator it,” but yu wuz all “Shhh ai iz sneekin on dis widdow mousekins ovar heer.” But Rewfcat haz a smarts,

8) an noes stuffs, not liek ordinaree kittehs.

9) Yu wuz in the grass, crowchin; an yu wuz gittin a brave so yu could pownce; an Rewfcat wuz sendin secrut kitteh signuls, leik “yu can haz a herd uv invisible birdcats bringingz yu helpage.”

10) Wuz lulz; Her no haz a stoopid, tink invisible birdcats be wif teh halpingz. Yu hunts mouse, yu ketches mous: no iz deliveree hyooman wif box frum Domino's: Iz savij lawz uv jungel. Her haz a wisdom, srsly. Iz the ossumest.

A Diffurnt Lookingz

2008-08-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yu see wut ai did heer: lolspeek on left-paw side, peep-speek on rait-paw side. Iz gud way? Betterer or worser? Tails up if yu laiks, tails down if DO NOT WANT.
Ai haz tail down; iz mor wurk. Ai haz a wantness fer sprollen an nap nap nap; naym iz Laze E. Kat. LOL!

Chapter 110 Halp!

1. When rewfcat gits da cheezeburger,

2. and everykitteh joinz herd wantin sum fuds,

3. maek big eyes at Rewfcat. Her no haz a mad.

110 Help

1. When the help of God arrives and victory,

2. And you see men enter God's discipline horde on horde,

3. Then glorify your Lord and seek His forgiveness. Verily He is relenting.

Short Ones

2008-08-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

...from the end of the book.

Chapter 110 Halp!
1. When rewfcat gits da cheezeburger,
2. and everykitteh cums wantin sum fuds,
3. maek big eyes at rewfcat. Her no haz a mad.

Chapter 111 Tree Stuffs
1 Abu iz Bad Kitteh!
2 hav big fat bellee frum lotsa cheezeburgerz iz no halp,
3 hee iz goin ta amnimal sheldur.
4 She-kitteh he hangz wif, her no haz luk tu,
5 gits kawlur rownd nek.

Chapter 112 Catity
1. Say: Her iz top kitteh,
2. maeks laif gud.
3. He no haz kitttehs, no has mommykitteh.
4. Iz bestest kitteh in all nayburhood.

Chapter 113 Sunbeem tiem
1. Lolspeek: Ai snorgles up wif Rewfcat wen sunbeems cum tru windos
2 so no bad stuffs happen, cuz he perteks me
3 jist liek if iz dark an hyomunz iz walken into wallz an trippen on
4 chayerz an coffee tabels, an steppen on tayls,
5 an cat neks door cumz ta steel ar fudz.

Chapter 114 Da Hyoomunz
1-3 lolspeak: Ai hiedz behind Rewfcat
4 from the bad kitteh that snorgles up and bats an pounces an gits me
5 playen so we tears up furnitchur, noks stuffs ovar an rooinz da slippurz
6 an den hyoomunz cum an yowl bad stuffs at us.

Dis iz awful

2008-08-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Chapter 2 just goes on and on and on and on. I got real sick of it and scoped out the road ahead. They get shorter; v110 is only three lines long, Lol! That's my kind of verse—bite sized. So I whipped out a few of those just to keep my spirits up. I'll post them next.
Maybe I should put the original next to the lolspeek version, for comparing. Or maybe not.
Some standard tranzlashunz iz:
god—Rewfcat. I always capitalize it. Should I?
Mohammad-Mewhowmad, as per the lolcat in the header
Haven't mentioned the devil yet, but I'm thinking cellar cat: We have Ceiling Cat & Basement Cat, and Rewfcat & Cellarcat. Iz gud plan?
Angels--- birdcats, as in lolbible (so what are jinns?)
the book, bible or koran, you're never sure which, iz “Cat Caer Fer Dummiez”
Love= lub= hart
Heaven is lotsa fudz, I guess. They always describe it as having flowing streams—DO NOT WANT.
Hell--a dirty stinky litterbox, natch
talk/say--miao, mew, yowl, growl, or = lolspeek.
I needs to make a glossary?

Yet more cow

2008-08-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

...
61. An sum moar: yu yowled. "Kibbles, DO NOT WANT, can haz cheezeburger!" Moses telled dem, "Lol! yu wants dat? Go be in alleys, snoopin in dumpsters," an den yu wuz strays, srsly.
62. Iz troo, kittehs wut iz hous trayned gitz treets an no haz flees ur ticks ur sceery dawgs to hiedz frum.
63. Yu noes buk 'Cat Caer Fer Dummiez?'
64. Lol! Kittehs no needz buk--haz peeps fur survents--feedurz an petturs an lidder-chanjerz.
65. If kittehs go prowlin an huntin on Caturday, Rewfcat is all like "Poof, yu iz monkeez."
66. so doan mess wif Rewfcat, srsly.
67. Moses yowled to hiz peeps "maek yur moocow into cheezeburger" and teh ppl wuz liek, WTF?
68. an Moses sayed, "Widdow biddy wun ur tuff ol stringy wun, DO NOT WANT. Git gud wun,"
69. an dey wuz all smartee pants liek "wut color moocow yu wants?" an Moses sayed 'a brown moocow, stoopudz,"
70. an dey wuz liek "Wun moocow beez as gud as any udder moocow", an
71. Moses was totallee "Git teh dam moocow!" an peeps faiynlee wuz like 'FTW, cheezeburgerz!'
72. Ai sees wut yu did dere. Yu maded sumbuddy goes "Blargh, ai is died," an yu putted ded boddee on frunt steps.
73 Survunt peep wuz totallee "ZOMGWTF! Bad Kitteh! Ewww! Bad Kitteh! Yu suk!" an takeded away yur ketch, an maded all growlz an hissez an meen looks. Srsly.
74. But yu onlee sitted on top shelf, licken yur fur. No iz emocat.
75. Yu tink peeps hart bad kittehs? Wai yu tink dat? Cutitude pwns eberyting? Lol!
76. Yu no haz a smart.
77. Rewfcat beez watchin yu.
78. Sum iz kittnz wut haz a ignerntz, wif hedz no can download frum paypurs, iz in yur buks sprollin an nappin ownlee. Dey iz in land of kittn dreems, losted, srsly.
79. If kittehs iz lolspeekin 'Rewfcat sez dis, an rewfcat sez dat', ownlee for lulz, iz no gud. Dey no git gud stuffs, an go wheyr lidder box always haz a stink an fullness ov turdz.
80 If dey miao: "Stinkage onlee till Caturday” yu rofl an mew "Yu noes dat? Lol, yu haz eer pointinz at litter-mayntanans peeps, dey lolspeek yu, maekin promises? WTF? Yu seez fyoochur, beez wif unnerstandin wut do next crazee hyoomun ? Lol! Kitteh dreemz; yu iz losted in dem, srsly.
...

It took me a while to figure out sacrificing a cow, and geez, killing somebody in v72. Iz hard, havin thinks liek kittehs. And lolspeek, my spell checker doan liek, srsly.

More Cow

2008-08-17T07:27:00.001-07:00

Here's the next bunch of steak....

41. Ai troz gud stuffs down frum da rewfs. Ai iz watchin yu;
42. no hied stuffs
43. Serve da kittehs; giv cheezeburgerz, nek rubz, kleen litterbox.
44. How yu not noes dis?
45. No iz hard surv kittehs, iz jobz of peeps
46. dat harts kittehs. Iz gud.
47. Doan furgit, wee givz yu cutitude,
48. an snorgels wen taimz iz bad.
49. Doan furgit da Pharoah, he wuz bitin and scratchin, ai saveded yu
50. an putted waterz on all hiz peeps.
51. Moses, he wuz on yur moutin, gittin buks, an yu maeded a gold moocow; wuz no gud,
52. but ai no haz a mad.
53. Moses had buk “Cat Caer Fur Dummeez”
54. an he wuz like, “Peeps! For wai yu maek a moocow? Iz betterest yu maeks a kitteh. Lol! Nao yu runz an hiedz under cowch, srsly.” An yu didz az yu was telled, an rewfcat haz a purr.
55. Yu meowed, “Mai sniffurs doan find no rewfcat heer,” an rewfcat blazeded yu wiff hiz lazer eyes, and yor fur all standed on end so yu wuz big liek haeree tumbelweed an yu wuz all “Blargh! Ai iz died!”
56. Den wee draggeded yu frum under cowch, an sayed 'Lol, Nu Laif!' so yu kud miao 'kthnx', an lick wiff forty-grit tungz;
57. An an we brotted sky-fluffiez, but dey no dropped water, onlee wuz shaed on yu, an wee sended yu kibbels an chiken nugguts so yu can haz eaterage.
58. Doan furgit, wee telled yu “Go out da cat door, and prowl, an be inna town, eatin da stuffs wut haz a flavr.”
59. But sum wuz Bad Kitteh! wuz ful of trubbels like, nok stuffs down, clawz furnitchur, chewz slippurz, poops on bedz. Dey wuz maed of fail an no dooed wut dey wuz telled. So down frum rewf ai sended lazer eyes of retribushun on 'em. Wuz OMG harbul, liek spray wiff fier hoez!
60. Doan furgit sum moar, Moses takeded a stik an banged on rok; wadder sploosheded out awl ovar, an da kittehs wuz all liek, OMGWTF? an wuz dancin wif invisabel pardnurs to keep paws dry, cuz wet fur DO NOT WANT. So yu kittehs, nom nom nom da fudz an lap lap lap da waddah an sproll sproll sproll fer naps an no be maekin trubbelz out in da yardz.

Since I haven't yet got to where I can open this blog up, I'm makin these scratchinz mostly with no feedback. I was kind of proud of v47-8, that's my best one. Verse 41 was tuff: What could be the cat equivalent of believing in what is revealed? “Cover truth with falsehood"? C'mon, they're cats. Halp!
A theological question: from a cat's perspective, what is a book? Something to lay on, for sure, but I could use some ideas on that.

Killer Kittens?

2008-08-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

Halp! Right here I got stuck, cause I realized there's a big problem. In the koran god is always sending people to hell and killing everybody. WTF? Lolcats are supposed to be snorgly and fuzzy and full of cutitude. How can you make genocide cuddly? Maybe it's not even possible to do this.

That's what I thought, and it held things up for a while. But that lazer eyes bit was a good save, I think; nao ai haz a purr. Will make mor scratchinz.

Chapter 2 Teh Moocow

2008-08-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

1. miaolooya.
2. A sleepen-papur, ai haz wun; wif ways for keep outta tha water and no gets losted.
3. Fer peeps dat noes cat stuffs, like skratch walls, and shed furz;
4. an iz all aloofkittehs.
5. Rewf Cat help dem gitz cheezburgrz
6. Kittehs dat doan liek, demz no kaer;
7. demz all sprolled out nappin. Iz tu bad.
8. An some kittehs iz all like, 'we folo Rewf Cat', but iz lulzpeek;
9. demz trai make lulz, but Rewfcat Iz Not Amuzed.
10. Dem haz haer balz an pewkz on cowch;
11. An wen yu growlz 'Bad Kitteh', dey iz all big aiz an cuteness,
12. but dey maeks trubbelz, srsly.
13. An wen yu yowlz 'giddoffadere', dey ignorz yu. Lolz!
14. Wen dey snif uther cat's butt n stuf, iz onlee act, srsly.
15. Demz iz teh suk. Rewf Cat DOAN LIEK.
16. Dumm, dey has it; liek if haz cheezburger an no eated it.
17. Or maek bonfier for tu see, wen efferbuddee noes kittehs sees in dark. Lol.
18. Demz is maed of Fayl,
19. mess wif Rewf Cat; no iz gud.
20. Cuz Rewf Cat iz FTW. Srsly.
21. Awww, kitnzs! Giv Rewf Cat liks on fur. Saem az on mommykitteh wen yu wuz babeecats.
22. Her makeded yur urf, fer yur napz. Her makeded cheezburgerz, so yu can haz fudz. (an makeded waters cum outta skai, but wuz lol. Sry.)
23. Iz mai buk. yu no lieks? rite own buk;
24. if no can, den yu haz a sad. Srsly.
25. Kittehs dat iz house-trained, miao at dem: Lolspeek abowt animabul sheldur; iz most big, most softist, haz most stuffs fer ta cliem, stuffs fer ta scratch; Haz cheezburgerz; Kittehs nom nom nom nom; Kittehs purr, ' mmmm, happee', rub on legz n stuffs. Iz more cats, but no haz fighten ur hissen.
26. Dawgs (DO NOT LIEK); Rewf Cat helpz em. An sum kittehs are like WTF? For wai yu du dat? But Rewf Cat no iz skeered,
27. kritters no byte, no haz trubbelz.
28. Hao yu no hart Rewf Cat? Her teh awsum! Can maeks you ded and bak agin. Nien tiems, Srsly.
29. Alla stuffs inna urf, Her makeded it. Smartz, Her has em.
30. Rewf Cat lolspeeked the birdcats: “Ai'z maken sum dood be on da urfs, gardin da stuffs.” An da birdcats lolspeeked “ZOMGWTF? Up heer, wee iz on yur stage, singen an playen and spreden the luv; Iz Woodstok furevur. An down on urfs, iz Blakwadur cat wif lazer eyes maken peeps go 'Blargh, ai iz died'? FOR WAI YU DO THAT? WAI? YU NO IZ KRAZEE? An Rewf Cat wuz all “LOLZ! Ai haz a secrut!”
31. Der wuz dis sky, naymd Addem. Rewf Cat maded him tu noes everting. Den Rewf Cat tooked ebberting-- fings liek a cookie, a strings, cheezburgerz—ebberting in da hoel wurlds; he satted dem all down bai da birdcats. Rewf Cat yowled, “Wazzat, Yo?”
32. Da birdcats sayed, “Ignertz, wee iz. Teh smarts, yu gots em. Srsly”
33. Den peep Addem lolspeeked wut naymz can haz ebberting; so birdcats no be stoopid. An Rewf Cat was liek, “lols! Alredy ai knowed dat!”
34. Den birdcats purred an rubbed peep Addem onna ankelz; Sept fer wun: Birdcat Iblis spitted and hissted, Srsly.
35. Moar ting. Two peeps iz in frunt-yard, eatin da fudz. Rewf Cat yowled, “Iz tree: No cliemz it, or yu has a trubbel. I haz lolspeeked!”
36. But peeps no lissened: Rewf Cat chased wif lazer eyes an big skeery toofs an klaws; Demz runned out sied.
37. Rewf Cat miaoed, “Oops, sry” (Her no iz growlee tomcat, rly)
38. “Ai goes on yur trail, peein on stuffs” lolspeeked Rewf Cat, “ Uze snifferz, no gets losted.”
39. “If no follo noezes, yu goes in alleewayz. Iz no gud.”
40. Kitnz! Yu no tern lazer eyes on mee, ai no tern lazer eyes on yu. Iz gud deal? Kthnxbai.

...and that seemed like a good stopping place.

Why Rewfcat?

2008-08-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know. It just seems right to keep them separate, so this new guy can develop his own personality or whatever.
Sum peeps lolspeek dat naym shud bee "ceiling cat". Ceiling cat iz in udder storee. Iz saym kitteh? Lol, doan noe; but cat in dis storee no hangz inna ceiling, iz tu hot. Iz inna dezurt, keepin kewl, hangs onna rewf where kewl breezuz blowz. Dat's for wai iz naymeded Rewfcat. Lol!

Coming up, that first bukkit of verses, 2:1-40. They've changed a little since they were first posted in the comments at Kafirgirl's blog, where this got started, and later on another blog. Have they found a good home?

Chapter 1

2008-08-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1 Teh Cat Door

1. Props to da Rewf Cat, OMG,
2. who iz purry n rubby;
3. an no do bad stufs,
4. wiff skerreh teefs and klawz.
5. Yu iz da boss uv us, srsly.
6. Yu herds us,
7. where yu has peed, not da naybor cats, or da strays.

Genesis

2008-08-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

Oh hai. In teh beginnin ai maded teh furst bukkit uv verses, but ai did not eated dem. Wuz gud. But no lolspeakers were translating the Koran. And I was a total n00b on the innerwebs. If I could make a blog of my own I'd have a place for my lolspeaks, and learn about blog stuffs, and the koran, and lolspeak too. Iz gud plan. So I putted my tail down and my ears back and I made this, and I putted my stuffs heer. But ai no haz a brave, so rite nao iz onlee praivut. Kittehs need tiem for git used to nu envaironoment. Soon, ai cum owt tu play, maybee udder kittehs halp.