Hoo Maded da Urfs?

Ceiling Cat buk sez Ceiling Cat maded da urfs. Heer sez Rewfcat maded dem. Hoo iz rait?

Iz Ceiling Cat an Rewfcat saem kitteh or diffurunt kitnz? LOL! Hoo noes?

Whutchoo tink?



Chapter 2:116-139

116. Peeps meows dat Rewfcat haz sum babykittehs. Props to Her! Akshully, eberyting in da hebbins an on teh urfs blongz 2 Her; Eberybuddy hearts Rewfcat;

117. Her maded teh hebbins an teh urfs frum nuffinz, Her has only 2 meow “Ai can haz it!”, an it iz.

118. Sum d00dz sez: "Rewfcat no can haz talkingz, no tellz us nuffing." But dem d00dz is doin it rong. Udder d00dz befoar dem sayed dat tu; dem no haz in dem hearts liddow icon of cutitude, fer klickin on to open up Homepage uv Cuteness. Dem wif icon of cutitude, we haz showed yu it allreddy.

moar verses iz heer undr sofa kyishin....
119. An we has sent u momma kitteh naymded Mewhowmad wif smartage an warm fuzziez. We no wants queshuns bout durty litter-box place.
120. Teh Strays an Alleykittehs will nevr be pleezded wif u if yu no goes wif dem. Meow to dem: "tsh Howse, ai iz in it, stayin put." 4 haz downloaded teh Buok ov Cat Caer frum Rewfcat, an yu knoe bedder
121. Dowz ta hoom we has sended down teh Book, an hoo haz eyeballed all its scratchinz, an layded on it fer naps, bleev in it trooly. Dem hoo do not want, dem is doin it rong.
122. O alleykittehs, doan fergit teh cheezeburgerz I givded u, an hao ai treeted yu bedder dan any uddet kitnz.
123. Be keerfull, cuz sum day mait kum wen kittehs no can haz a gardian hyoominz fer bringin cheezeburgerz an eer-scratchinz.
124. Doan fergit sum moar, when Rewfcat meowed tu kitteh Abraham “Du dis, an du dat”, an he d00ded all dose tings, Rewfcat meowed: "A leeder of d00dz, Iz maekin yu wun; an wen Abraham askd: "Mai kitnz 2?" Rewfcat meowed: Lol! Dem no iz gud kittehs.
125. Doan fergit, we finded the bestest hoam fer kittehs, naymded the Kaaabaa, whair we iz saef frum skary dawgz an carz; an we meowd, "mark teh spot wer abraham standed, bai peein on it, iz holee place" an we tellded Abraham, an udder kitteh naymded Ishmael, dunno hoo he iz, 2 keep r houz 4 dose hoo shall walk around in it an stay in it 4 contemplashun an fur likkin, an 4 takin naps.
126. An when Abraham sed: "O Rewfcat, maek dis howse a peacefull, an giv dose ov its kitteh herd hoo hearts Rewfcat cheezeburgrz 4 fud," he meowed: "Lol, ai eben givz cheezeburgrz to outdoorz kittehs, dat no is wif gud behavin; Trubbels iz, dem goes owt in roadz an gits runded ovah bai karz an truks. No iz gud, srsly!”
127. An wen Abraham wuz climbin on teh rafters uv teh houz wif Ishmael, in hiz noggin he wuz tinkin: "Iz maed of win up heer, O Rewfcat, yu knoes wut we iz doin;
128. an ai knoes if we duz bad stuffs, we iz beeyin all growlee an whackin us wif yer pointy feets; but yu no duz it; lol, cuz a nice kitteh, yu iz wun. Lol.
129. An send a kitteh 2 dem Stray Cats, O Rewfcat, cuz dem iz srsly in need uv a leed gittar playr, cuz dem haz a sownd, but dem iz doin it rong, an yu can showz dem hao to rawk, 4 a liddel bit uv soul, yu haz wun, srsly. An yu rool, d00d.
130. Any kitteh hoo no lieks Abraham haz a stoopid, srsly. Him is da bestest in da hole waid wurld, in dis heer laif an eben in all da udder 8 laifs.
131. When Rewfcat meowed 2 him: "Yo, d00d, go do sumpthin" he wuz all liek: "Yo, ai heers yu, ai iz doin it.”
132. An Abraham lefted tu hiz babycats, an 2 Jacob, an sed: "Kitnz! Rewfcat iz da man!”
133. Wuz u dair wen Jacob wented tu da big anaminabul sheldur in da skai? "Wut u gunna do aftr ai haz goed dair tu?" he askded his babeh kittehs, an dem anzwerd: "We shall follo ur Rewfcat an teh Rewfcat ov all da old kittehs hoo iz buried owt in da yards, liek Abraham an Ishmael an Iisaac, Iz onlee wun Rewfcat, an he is for the win, Srsly."
134. Dose wuz teh peeps, an dem has pasd away all nain ov demz lifes. Dem iz up in da skai, eetin up da cheezeburgrz, an sum day u will bee tu, but not rait nao.
135. Dem meows: "Be strays or be alley kittehs, iz gud tiem." Yu shud meow: "Do Not Want. We follos da roolz uv kitteh Abraham, hoo iz a howse kitteh."
136. Yowl, "we bleev in Rewfcat an wut wuz unzipped an downloaded 2 us, an wut wuz enkripted tu Abraham an Ishmael an Isaac an Jacob an demz itty bitty babee kittehs, an da HTML uv dem kittehs naymded Mosez an Christ, an 2 all othr pawfoots by Rewfcat. Dem iz all FTW and we hearts alla dem."
137. If kittehs cum 2 behaev as u did, dem will find teh cheezeburger. If dem roams da streets an allees, dem can haz a trubbel; but Rewfcat will purrtek u so dem no can hurtz yu, 4 Rewfcat is mad of win, srsly.
138. "We eben haz teh colourin ov Rewfcat; an whose shade iz bettr than Rewfcats? We harts her, srsly.”
139. Or u maek growlz that Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac and Jacob and demz babeekittehs wuz strays an alley kittehs? Meow like dis: "U can haz moar noggin stuffs dan Rewfcat?" Wen Rewfcat givz u a catnip toi, no be wif carry it off an heid beehind cowch. Rewfcat iz watchin u; her sees wut yu did thair. Lift up!

Strayz n alleykittehs

Just some more verses. In lolcat world the alley kittehs and the strays are the Jews and the Christians. Not sure which is which yet.

Chapter 2:104-114

104. House kitnz! No be meowin "Oooo, we iz jist poor widdow kittiez cats." Yuz be wif doin wut Mewhowmad sez, an yu lets him be furst at kibbels. Kitnz wut doan be behavin gitz a sctachinz on nose, wun dat haz a painfull.
105. All yuz alley kittehs an stray kittehs, and dem hu iz prowlin da nayburhud, doan trai bringin in a ded mouse or snaek fer puttin it at feets of Rewfcat. Suckin up, iz no gud; Rewfcat Do Not Want. Her haz a smartness, an her doan be fallin fer dat, Srsly.


Lookit heer! Ai haz a fold, lol! Iz liek cowch, fer hiedin stuffs under. u wants 2 see, u kliks on wurdz. Ai iz moar n moar sofisticatted, lol. Down under iz moar verses.
....

106. Cat pee doan last furevah; smellz goes away, needz nu peeingz alla tiem. Rewfcat goes arownd alla hoel yardz an freshens smellz up wif nu pees. Yuz not noes dat? Lol!
107. Yuz not noes Rewfcat iz da boss of all da house and da yard, an iz onliest kitteh heer tu purrtect yu and shoo away dawgs an possumz?
108. If yuz no haz gud behavements, and iz all “neener neener neener” tu alfa kitteh naymded Mewhowmad yuz is Bad Kitteh!.
109. How many house kittehs wants to go liv owt in the nayborhood afder dem is house-trayned? Nun, iz hao minny! Yu iz skeered fer comin inna house; but lay down yer fur, an unhump yer bakz; yu shud be makin wif motorboat sowndz. Cuz in heer iz a Rewfcat hu is epic win, an iz da ossomest.
110. Jist use litter box, an carree in yer moufs mouses an snaeks to put on front porch; an Rewfcat sees whut yu did thair; iz gud; an Rewfcat is watchin yuz.
111. Outdoor kittehs meow: "Alley kittehs and strayz iz onliest wunz dat gits to go to the Jiyant Anaminabul Sheldur in the Skai;" but dem iz for lulz. Dem is onlee havin cat-nap thinkingz.
112. Innee kitteh hu duz gud stuffs liek Rewfcat, can haz passport stamp fer Grayt Anaminiabel Sheldur.
113. Alley kittehs miao: "Yu strayz; ur doin it rong," and teh strayz miao: "Alley kittehs; ur doin it rong;" But sum uv dem downloads frum the Buk of Cat Caer fer Dummeez, an sum downloadz sekret kitteh wisdom sumwhars else; but all kittehs haz sekret kitteh sekrets. Rewfcat iz onliest wun hu can tell differences between kittehs.
114. An hoo iz moar worser'n peeps dat puts skreenz on doorz an keeps Rewfcat owt, so her no can be in ur kitchens eetin ur fudz? Hoo yellz loud wurdz abowt doins wif harblez, an chasez kitnz? Wen onliest reezon wai ppl is putted on da urfs iz for tu serve kittehs, an worship dem wif revererence an cheezeburgers and cookies. An catnip toys. An tu be keepin litter box kleen. An givin laps fer nappin on. An snorgels. If hyoomins no do dat stuffz, wut gud dey iz? Lift up!

Jeez, sis!

Lucy Fur and her sister Jee Sis are two of the bosses of me. They joined this house's board of directors as tiny babies who needed a home. Now they are about the same size as the kittens in the picture, and Jee Sis is gray and white like that. Lucy Fur is not black, but it'd sure be cool if she was. Obviously, I had to use this picture.

And my kitnz are in the book! Jee Sis is mentioned twice in Chapter 2:

87. Doan fergit sum mor: Rewfcat haz a smart, downloaded alla papur-scratchinz onto kitteh naymded Moses. Himz noggin, full of win iz. An Rewfcat sended owt kittehs wif feromoanz, sum wuz naymeded Jesus, uv da litter uv Maree. But yu wuz all Mr meanypants, scratched demz noses and chaseded dem awey.

253. Uv da kitnz, sum gits moar lix frum Rewfcat dan udderz. Rewfcat haz harted sum uv dem, an teh posishunz uv sum haz bin raysded in teh kitteh peckin ordur. An ta Jeez Sis, dottah uv orange-stripey kitteh Maree, Her givded a cookie, an reinforceded her wif divain kewtness. If Rewfcat haded so willded dowz hoo comed aftah dem wud nivvah bin wif da faitin, but trubbelz haz comed, sum behavded, sum wuz bad. Faitin, Rewfcat DO NOT WANT. But Rewfcat lets kittehs duz whutevah Her pleezez.
........
How to spell her name is a mystery: G-sis,Jeez us,Gee sis, Gees us, Geezsiss, yada, yada, yada. Need to choose an official version fer bein in Holey Skripchur, doncha?

Coming up; Who created the earth? What about Ceiling Cat? stay tuned....

nuffin undr heer, sry Lift up!

Yowlingz uv Solomon

Everybody knows that the Song of Solomon has like the hottest verses in the Bible, and King Solomon's mines had the richest gold, and King Solomon was really wise about babies. These two verses give you the straight scoop, from a cat's-eye view. (and what other view could possibly matter? Lol!)


Chapter 2: 102 & 103

102 Wunz upon a tiem, wuz tomcat naymded Solomon. Him haded the mostest wiseness of any kitteh evah. Cud even reed an rait, and wroted sum buks even, wif storeez, an poamz an sum rilly hawt porn; but we no put dat in dis buk: dis buk iz G-rated buk. Lol!
Tomcat Solomon gotted to liv in grayt hyooj condomiminum wif hunderds of roomz, an hallz, and apartmunts wif frienlee nayburrz, dey all puts owt platterz wif moocow jyoos. But Solomon had sum trubbels becuz his carepeepels wuz dawg-loverz, no wuz cat-luverz. The dawgzs wuz hatin on Rewfcat, teeching ppl bad Catitude, an wun day the ppl goed tu the Cat Fancyers Klub, and bringed hoam dese tu snooty kittehs naymded Harut and Marut.
Dem wuz Persians, and yu noes how sum Persians iz; dey taked saidz wif the dawgz. But Harut and Marut wuz onlee fer da lulz and wuz like "We iz onlee jerkin yu arownd, so no be wif disrespecting Rewfcat.” But the carepeeps gotted bad habits from Harut and Marut, maded a unhappee between kittehs. Is gud ting Rewfcat wuz watchin, no letted dem hurt the kittehs, but still, dey no taked gud caer of kittehs, an they wuz epic fayl. Cuz ppl wif bad catitiude no gits to go liv in Big Aminambul Shelldur in da Skai. Wuz no gud, srsly!

103. If dey no harted smelly old dawgz and harted kittehs instead, an gived dem lots uv catnips and cheezeburgerz--onliest purrpose uv hyoomunz tu be walkin rownd on da urfs—wooden've bin bad. But dawg-loverz iz epic fayl, srsly!

nuffin undr heer, sry Lift up!

HALP!

First I figured out how to make a blog, then I figured out how to make lolcats, boy I'm doing good, now I figure out how to give credit for the pictures so I'm not stealing them.

Well, I try to. I thought you could find anything on the web. News? check. Trivia? check. Plans for nuclear weapons? check. Porn? I think there's some of that. But a simple thing like how to avoid copyright violations is asking too much. Using images without permission will either trigger the collapse of Western Civilization, or, stave off the Death of Freedom, depending on who you ask.

Notice some of these lolcats have watermarks on them, and I'm trying to fix it so clicking on the picture links back to wherever I got it from. I'll keep trying, but I don't have degrees in Law and Programming and that's the best I can do, but I'll keep making lolcats until Homeland Security breaks down my door and drags me off to the pound.

Lift up!

How To ...

Do you have writing talent? Think you could write a lolverse? Sure you can! It's easy and kind of fun. Here's how in five easy steps.

1 pick a verse
2 read it
3 cliff-note it
4 metaphor it
5 cat-urize it. ( and then send it here ☺)

1st, pick a verse. Go online and copy a half dozen verses. It doesn't matter which ones. The koran is 6000 verses put together literally at random, with the short ones mostly in the last half of the book. I'll do verse 109, just because it is next to one I've already done. Here it is:

(1) SAY: "O YOU unbelievers,
(2) I do not worship what you worship,
(3) Nor do you worship who I worship,
(4) Nor will I worship what you worship,
(5) Nor will you worship who I worship:
(6) To you your way, to me my way

2nd, read it. This is the hard part. Half the time it doesn't make sense, but check some of the other translations till it gets clear. Another good source is here. If you really want to study this book, you can't beat Kafirgirl (she's NSFW).
2½th step: A lot of understanding the verses is peeling off all the tinsel: verse 6, “Unto you your religion, and unto me my religion ” just says “to each his own”. Shorten it up, put it in your own words, keep just the essence. Here's my cliff notes version of ch. 109. The middle verses seemed to just repeat themselves, until I looked at other versions and realized they were in different tenses.

Chapter 109 the disbelievers
1 Hey you guys
2 I don't serve yours
3 and you don't serve mine
4 I'm not gonna
5 & you're not gonna.
6 To each his own.

3rd step: Metaphor it. This is the creative part, putting it into a cat's perspective. This title, “the disbelievers” is a good example. What does a cat disbelieve? A little brainstorming builds me this picture: a group of cats are headed by one Alpha cat who hangs out on the roof, and his homies stay in and around the house. Other cats from the neighborhood come around and get into things, since they don't 'believe' in the first groups claims to the yard. Once the picture's in mind, the next step is easy.

4th step: Cat-erize it; that is, put it into lolspeak. You might want to browse through some lolcats to help the mood. God of course is Rewfcat, and the neighbor cats have their own Alphas that they follow. The auto-replace feature can be handy here; just take the text you copied out and just start replacing words. Think kyoot and fuzzee.

Chapter 109 teh Naybor Kittehs

1. Listen up, kitnz!
2 Ur Tomcat, we no follos him,
3. an Rewfcat, u no follos Her.
4 We no be wif followin him,
5 an yuz no be wif followin Her.
6 Yuz can haz urs, we can haz ars. Kthnxbai.

And there you are, your moral lesson for the day. Don't you wish church was this much fun? Now as a proud author, send it in a comment so we can add it to our collection and you'll see your work in pixels. Jazz Hands!


nuffin undr heer, sry. Doan bothr tu Lift up!

Wurld uv Lolcat

We're creating a whole new world! A lot better than the one in original book, too. Instead of all the chastising and going to hell, ours has cute and cuddly. As commandments, cats would have; eat, nap, chase a string now and then...I could use some suggestions on how see things from a cat's POV. Here's some ideas that are forming...

...making war = hunting. A War on Mice? Ewww. Do not want.
Work is hunting? No hunting on Caturday.(2-65)

What about Dogs? fortunately mohammed didn't like them lol.

Cats pee on things to mark their territory: prophets (pawfoots) say stuff to mark their (figurative) territory...(not the best metaphor, no )
converting believers = house-training cats? kittehs have to taught some things....

god is all vengeful and genocidal; kittehs are fuzzywuzzy cute wanna grab n cuddle uhhhh......
...have scary teeth and claws, haz lazer eyes, what else?
Some Lolcats talk about eatin yur soul. What's that about?

Catitude! Lol. sum haz it; sum is house cats, sort of sissies,(pussies?) Is that in bad taste? Do I care?
tuff macho cats are Mousers. There's cats in alleys, and there's strays...
............

Any suggestions are welcome. A lot of people seem to hate Blogger's comment system, so I changed it to make it easier. So leave your thoughts. Lift up!

Moar chapdr tu: 91-101

...
91. Heer iz housekitnz: "Yuz no bleeve Rewfcat? Yu haz a dumness. Her is full uv ossum.” Heer iz alleycats: "Lulz! Her iz mangy old fleebag." Heer iz housekitnz:” WTF? FOR WAI YU TALK LIEK DAT?

92. Kitteh naymded Moses bringded you a cookie, but yu no eeted it; yuz wuz beeyin wif wantin cheezbrgrz;

93. We letted yuz look in windo, hav eyeballinz inside house, telled yuz "Lookit! It haz a flavr, iz all catnippy," but yuz was all: "GTFO", wuz wantin go inna dumpsterz, gittin moldee cheezebrgrz. Housekitnz meowed: "Lolz! Yu doan noes whut gud stuffs iz!"

94. Housekitnz: "Yuz tink alleyz is bestest place fer kittehs? Beeyin cats: ur doin it rong! Big monster dawgz git yu. Srsly;

95. Yu be sry den.” Rewfcat; her noes all dis.

96. Her haz a smartness abowt eberting catitudinous. Ebery kitteh haz a want fer saem tings. Kittehs gots nain lifes, but no be usin dem up fast. Rewfcat haz a knowingness uv all dis stuffs.

97. Housekitnz: "Birdcat Gabriel putted nogginz with Rewfcat, noggel noggel noggel download every smart ting fer kittehs,

98. Alleykittehs: “Rewfcat an Birdcats Gabriel and Michael, and Mewhowmad, DO NOT WANT.” Rewfcat miaos “Dem cats haz a sillee;

99. Demz haz eyeballded in windos, eyeballded warm comfyness wif gud eetabelz, still goes owt inna yardz. Yu wayt, sky-fluffiez go to heer, wet drops fall outa skiez, dem kittehs be yowling diffurnt. Lol

100. Dem kittehs haz a dumm. Neber larnz nuttin. Ai ignorz dem”

101. An nao a grayt alpha kitteh naymded Mewhowmad haz cum to demz frum Rewfcat, an kittehs hoo unnerstands paper-scratchinigz is all like "Told u so!" sum kitnz puts paws ovah demz eers an doan lissen. Dem purtendz dem has a ignurnts, lol!
... Lift up!

ch2:81-90

...
81. Sum kittehs no haz a house-trainage; ppl seez whut dey did thaer an iz all liek, “OMGWTF ar yu doin? GITTOFFADER, YU STOOPID KAT!” Dem kittehs, no can haz cheezeburger.

82. But housekittehs use litter box, an snorgel on laps makin motorboat soundz; iz gud kittehs, srsly. Can haz gud hoam.

83. Alleykittehs! Doan furgit, us house kittehs lolspeekeded yu, "O hai. Go to heer be wif Rewfcat: rubz da noses, sniffs butts, purr, rubz da ankelz, sproll in sleepee piels, giv lix," but yu no do wut yu was telled.

84. An doan fergit, yu was fightin, an we sayed “ZOMG, No do dat,” an yu wuz like, “OK, we beez gud nao. Udder kittehs; we no chases dem. Srsly”

85. But yu no stoppeded. Udder kitteh iz inna tree, gittin chaseded. Yu sits inna yardz, likkin furz, havin big eyez and innosense, lookin all “WTF? Hoo? Us kittehs? We neber d00d nufin. For wai dat kitteh iz in da tree? How she git dere? We doan be havin a smartness abowt dat.” An yu blink blink blink ur aiz an wriggel ur whiskrz all adoorubbel. Yu iz Lulz!
Book “Cat Caer fer Dummeez”; chapter wun uv it iz all yu haz a smartness uv. Gittin house trayned an beeyin domesticatted, no iz eezy. Iz srs bidness. An Rewfcat noes all da bidnesses. Srsly.

86. Yu no beez domesticatted; hangz in alleez alla tiem, iz gud nao--Yu wayt, sky fluffiez cum, wetness fallz owta sky ON KITNZ, yu be sry, srsly.

87. Doan fergit sum mor: Rewfcat haz a smart, downloaded alla papur-scratchinz onto kitteh naymded Moses. Himz noggin, full of win iz. An Rewfcat sended owt kittehs wif feromoanz, sum wuz naymeded Jesus, uv da litter uv Maree. But yu wuz all Mr meanypants, scratched demz noses and chaseded dem awey.

88. Yu iz meowin: "We doan noe no bedder, lulz." No wai. Yu iz made of fayl.

89. Wen Rewfcat wuz onna rewf, yowlin lolspeek, her wuz liek, “Ai haz a cookie, no be wif eetin it.” Dem cats heered her, but dey wuz like “No wei.” an dey eeted it. Well, Wei, ktnz: Rewfcat iz comin, an her is pisst, srsly!

90. Yu cats wuz havin a think like Rewfcat no iz srs. Tinked wuz OK eeted da cookie an wen wuz allgon, peed inna kitty fud dish. Iz NO GUD. Rewfcat sees wut yu did thair. Her gonna be wif pullin owt ur fur in patchuz.
... Lift up!

Teh Holee Bore'an

The truth is, it's not a very exciting book. It needs pictures. And I need to learn Photoshop.

Here are some verses out of the middle of chapter four, for no other reason than I thought I'd copied chapter 2. Oops. Maybe somebody will volunteer to finish this chapter.

Chapter 4 teh She-Cats

80. Mewhowmad, Rewfcat, pee haz saem smelz; follo wun, follo udder, no iz different. Is gud, srsly. Stray kittehs, dey follo udder pee trayls, yu jist watch em frum windo, yu no iz boss uv dem.

81. They lolspeek: "House kitties, we is dem;" but owt on the yardz, dey no iz gud kittehs; nock ovar garbij kanz, drag stuffs all ovar, be wif howlin and yowlin on fenses, wif rubbin togeddur harbles, be wif faitin, poops anywhaerz. But Rewfcat iz watchin dem, LOL!

82. Book “Car Caer fur Dummeez”, wai dey no tink uv it? Udder buks onlee iz gud for sleepin-papurs; scrathinz in dem iz like, “Iz gud dis. No, iz gud dat, No, iz gud udder, doan MEK NO SENZ! Buk wif bestest meowingz, Rewfcat haz it. Srsly.

83. Dey iz all gossip, “meow meow meow meow meow;” Betterest if ask Mewhowmad, cuz her is made of win an haz a smartness. Betterer follo her, no follo Cellar Cat.

84. Snorgle up wif Rewfcat, let udder kittehs be wif nappin in own furpielz. No can herd kittehs, but halp teh housekittehs be keepin owt da strayz. If Rewfcat seez em an givz a hiss, they iz like OMGWT run run run, wif tailz down; cuz Her is made of win, doan mess wif Her.

85. Kitteh duz gud stuffs, can haz a cheezeburger, fer shur; an kitteh halpz wif maeking trubbelz iz beeyin wif peeps chasin, wif cussin; Rewfcat sits an watchez, jist likkin teh fur.

86. When kitteh givz yur face a lix, then yu givz tu lix. Cuz Rewfcat iz lukin atchew.

87. Rewfcat iz onliest kitteh on rewf. Her iz Alpha cat of all uv us wunz; noboddee is more betterer than Rewfcat.

88. Stray kittehs iz in yur yardz, steelin yur harts. Hao yu noes wut tu du wif dem? Rewfcat haz chaseded dem awey, cuz bad behavin Her DO NOT WANT. Yu givz fudz tu the kittehs Rewfcat haz chaseded awey? If dey stayz, yu haz tu minnee kittehs; if dey goes awey, bad stuffs be maybee happen. IZ HARD FOR KITTEHS owt inna wurld, all aloan wif no ppl to givz openin, feedin, rubz, cuddelz. Rewfcat chases dem off, maybee dey no haz hoamz. Iz bad problum, srsly.

89. Dey iz in yur yardz, maekin feromoanz, lurin yu owt. No be rubbin harblez wif dem, maek moar hoamless babeecats. If dey haz all dere shots, an iz fixeded, den is OK. But if dey is fixeded, yu no wants beeyin wif rubbin harbles, LOL! Gud kittehs haz aloofitude; no maeks frenz wif teh strayz.

90. Except wuns no haz a hoem, iz havin tu liv in a crawlspace, steel fudz frum nayburz, dawgz chases em, no haz warm plase fer nappage, iz cold an hungree. Rewfcat would let dem cum in, fer shur, wif no fightin; dey sniffs da pee, noes where canz go, where not go, folloz roolz, iz OK. Rewfcat no chase dem out da cat door, srsly. Lift up!

Ai haz a Brave!

Finally I'm to the point where I think I understand (LOL!) this blog setup. Scratch behind my ears, because a month ago I didn't even how to make a post. Till now I've just been storing stuff here, and experimenting, but today, ears back, tail down, fur all bristly, I'm making the big scary leap of opening this up to the public. So I hope some one, maybe even two, will like it and like, HALP! Lift up!

Spoils of WTF?

Since I'm skipping around I thought I'd try some of Chapter 8. The title is 'Spoils of War', and that's just what it's about. I reckon if I can make that kitty-ish I can do the rest. Cats are way too smart to have wars, but they go hunting, so here goes;

Chapter 8 Froots uv the Hunt

1) Kitnz needz tu download a wisdom bowt trofeez ov Teh Hunt, so dey grows up wif Catitude, no beeyin sillee hous pussee-cats wif nayms liek Foo-Foo or Priscila. Follo Rewfcat an no beeyin wif rassel an cavort on grasses like widdow ktnz duz. Haz a quiet, an a sneek, an yu brings hoem sum mousage, FTW.

2) No can bee feersum Mouser if no haz tinkingz bowt Rewfcat, an beez full uv fearssss so dat prey--liek a mouses or a snaykz--dey freez in trakz, sos yu can pownce dem. And rewfcat teechuz yu hao, cuz he is towtel ossum an full of win. Srsly.

3) If kittehs chase strings an chew slipperz, sneek up on toes uv hyoomunz, leep on stuffs, dey gits praktis, wen dey haz a bigness,

4) dey iz gud mousurz, srsly. Dey gits lixes on fur frum rewfcat, an snorgles an sleepingz in fuzzy-pieyels, cuz Rewfcat OMG her be heartsingz all dem greyt mousurz.

5) Mousurz iz owt cat door, prowlin in yardz; foo-foo puss iz layin on pilloz, bein deli-cat, likkin furz.

6) Her hearz Call Uv Da Wild sayin “OMG WTF? Yu iz predatur! Luk at yur paw endz--haz needlee klauz for ketchin prayz! Luk! Yu haz mouf wif skeery teef! Iz big fer can git elfanents bai deyr neks, dragz hoem ta leev on frunt steps. Go owt cat door; haz catitude!” But pusseecats iz liek “EWWW! In yardz iz durt and ikkeez. Ai gits stiks in fur, be wif likkin fer hourz. Nothnxbai. Ai stays heer.”

7) Rewfcat telled yu “OMG LUK! Iz grayt ol big skwerl! Kwik, preditator it,” but yu wuz all “Shhh ai iz sneekin on dis widdow mousekins ovar heer.” But Rewfcat haz a smarts,

8) an noes stuffs, not liek ordinaree kittehs.

9) Yu wuz in the grass, crowchin; an yu wuz gittin a brave so yu could pownce; an Rewfcat wuz sendin secrut kitteh signuls, leik “yu can haz a herd uv invisible birdcats bringingz yu helpage.”

10) Wuz lulz; Her no haz a stoopid, tink invisible birdcats be wif teh halpingz. Yu hunts mouse, yu ketches mous: no iz deliveree hyooman wif box frum Domino's: Iz savij lawz uv jungel. Her haz a wisdom, srsly. Iz the ossumest. Lift up!

A Diffurnt Lookingz

Yu see wut ai did heer: lolspeek on left-paw side, peep-speek on rait-paw side. Iz gud way? Betterer or worser? Tails up if yu laiks, tails down if DO NOT WANT.
Ai haz tail down; iz mor wurk. Ai haz a wantness fer sprollen an nap nap nap; naym iz Laze E. Kat. LOL!

Chapter 110 Halp! 1. When rewfcat gits da cheezeburger, 2. and everykitteh joinz herd wantin sum fuds, 3. maek big eyes at Rewfcat. Her no haz a mad.

110 Help 1. When the help of God arrives and victory, 2. And you see men enter God's discipline horde on horde, 3. Then glorify your Lord and seek His forgiveness. Verily He is relenting.

Lift up!

Short Ones

...from the end of the book.

Chapter 110 Halp!
1. When rewfcat gits da cheezeburger,
2. and everykitteh cums wantin sum fuds,
3. maek big eyes at rewfcat. Her no haz a mad.

Chapter 111 Tree Stuffs
1 Abu iz Bad Kitteh!
2 hav big fat bellee frum lotsa cheezeburgerz iz no halp,
3 hee iz goin ta amnimal sheldur.
4 She-kitteh he hangz wif, her no haz luk tu,
5 gits kawlur rownd nek.


Chapter 112 Catity
1. Say: Her iz top kitteh,
2. maeks laif gud.
3. He no haz kitttehs, no has mommykitteh.
4. Iz bestest kitteh in all nayburhood.


Chapter 113 Sunbeem tiem
1. Lolspeek: Ai snorgles up wif Rewfcat wen sunbeems cum tru windos
2 so no bad stuffs happen, cuz he perteks me
3 jist liek if iz dark an hyomunz iz walken into wallz an trippen on
4 chayerz an coffee tabels, an steppen on tayls,
5 an cat neks door cumz ta steel ar fudz.


Chapter 114 Da Hyoomunz
1-3 lolspeak: Ai hiedz behind Rewfcat
4 from the bad kitteh that snorgles up and bats an pounces an gits me
5 playen so we tears up furnitchur, noks stuffs ovar an rooinz da slippurz
6 an den hyoomunz cum an yowl bad stuffs at us. Lift up!

Dis iz awful

Chapter 2 just goes on and on and on and on. I got real sick of it and scoped out the road ahead. They get shorter; v110 is only three lines long, Lol! That's my kind of verse—bite sized. So I whipped out a few of those just to keep my spirits up. I'll post them next.
Maybe I should put the original next to the lolspeek version, for comparing. Or maybe not.
Some standard tranzlashunz iz:
god—Rewfcat. I always capitalize it. Should I?
Mohammad-Mewhowmad, as per the lolcat in the header
Haven't mentioned the devil yet, but I'm thinking cellar cat: We have Ceiling Cat & Basement Cat, and Rewfcat & Cellarcat. Iz gud plan?
Angels--- birdcats, as in lolbible (so what are jinns?)
the book, bible or koran, you're never sure which, iz “Cat Caer Fer Dummiez”
Love= lub= hart
Heaven is lotsa fudz, I guess. They always describe it as having flowing streams—DO NOT WANT.
Hell--a dirty stinky litterbox, natch
talk/say--miao, mew, yowl, growl, or = lolspeek.
I needs to make a glossary? Lift up!

Yet more cow

...
61. An sum moar: yu yowled. "Kibbles, DO NOT WANT, can haz cheezeburger!" Moses telled dem, "Lol! yu wants dat? Go be in alleys, snoopin in dumpsters," an den yu wuz strays, srsly.
62. Iz troo, kittehs wut iz hous trayned gitz treets an no haz flees ur ticks ur sceery dawgs to hiedz frum.
63. Yu noes buk 'Cat Caer Fer Dummiez?'
64. Lol! Kittehs no needz buk--haz peeps fur survents--feedurz an petturs an lidder-chanjerz.
65. If kittehs go prowlin an huntin on Caturday, Rewfcat is all like "Poof, yu iz monkeez."
66. so doan mess wif Rewfcat, srsly.
67. Moses yowled to hiz peeps "maek yur moocow into cheezeburger" and teh ppl wuz liek, WTF?
68. an Moses sayed, "Widdow biddy wun ur tuff ol stringy wun, DO NOT WANT. Git gud wun,"
69. an dey wuz all smartee pants liek "wut color moocow yu wants?" an Moses sayed 'a brown moocow, stoopudz,"
70. an dey wuz liek "Wun moocow beez as gud as any udder moocow", an
71. Moses was totallee "Git teh dam moocow!" an peeps faiynlee wuz like 'FTW, cheezeburgerz!'
72. Ai sees wut yu did dere. Yu maded sumbuddy goes "Blargh, ai is died," an yu putted ded boddee on frunt steps.
73 Survunt peep wuz totallee "ZOMGWTF! Bad Kitteh! Ewww! Bad Kitteh! Yu suk!" an takeded away yur ketch, an maded all growlz an hissez an meen looks. Srsly.
74. But yu onlee sitted on top shelf, licken yur fur. No iz emocat.
75. Yu tink peeps hart bad kittehs? Wai yu tink dat? Cutitude pwns eberyting? Lol!
76. Yu no haz a smart.
77. Rewfcat beez watchin yu.
78. Sum iz kittnz wut haz a ignerntz, wif hedz no can download frum paypurs, iz in yur buks sprollin an nappin ownlee. Dey iz in land of kittn dreems, losted, srsly.
79. If kittehs iz lolspeekin 'Rewfcat sez dis, an rewfcat sez dat', ownlee for lulz, iz no gud. Dey no git gud stuffs, an go wheyr lidder box always haz a stink an fullness ov turdz.
80 If dey miao: "Stinkage onlee till Caturday” yu rofl an mew "Yu noes dat? Lol, yu haz eer pointinz at litter-mayntanans peeps, dey lolspeek yu, maekin promises? WTF? Yu seez fyoochur, beez wif unnerstandin wut do next crazee hyoomun ? Lol! Kitteh dreemz; yu iz losted in dem, srsly.
...

It took me a while to figure out sacrificing a cow, and geez, killing somebody in v72. Iz hard, havin thinks liek kittehs. And lolspeek, my spell checker doan liek, srsly. Lift up!

More Cow

Here's the next bunch of steak....

41. Ai troz gud stuffs down frum da rewfs. Ai iz watchin yu;
42. no hied stuffs
43. Serve da kittehs; giv cheezeburgerz, nek rubz, kleen litterbox.
44. How yu not noes dis?
45. No iz hard surv kittehs, iz jobz of peeps
46. dat harts kittehs. Iz gud.
47. Doan furgit, wee givz yu cutitude,
48. an snorgels wen taimz iz bad.
49. Doan furgit da Pharoah, he wuz bitin and scratchin, ai saveded yu
50. an putted waterz on all hiz peeps.
51. Moses, he wuz on yur moutin, gittin buks, an yu maeded a gold moocow; wuz no gud,
52. but ai no haz a mad.
53. Moses had buk “Cat Caer Fur Dummeez”
54. an he wuz like, “Peeps! For wai yu maek a moocow? Iz betterest yu maeks a kitteh. Lol! Nao yu runz an hiedz under cowch, srsly.” An yu didz az yu was telled, an rewfcat haz a purr.
55. Yu meowed, “Mai sniffurs doan find no rewfcat heer,” an rewfcat blazeded yu wiff hiz lazer eyes, and yor fur all standed on end so yu wuz big liek haeree tumbelweed an yu wuz all “Blargh! Ai iz died!”
56. Den wee draggeded yu frum under cowch, an sayed 'Lol, Nu Laif!' so yu kud miao 'kthnx', an lick wiff forty-grit tungz;
57. An an we brotted sky-fluffiez, but dey no dropped water, onlee wuz shaed on yu, an wee sended yu kibbels an chiken nugguts so yu can haz eaterage.
58. Doan furgit, wee telled yu “Go out da cat door, and prowl, an be inna town, eatin da stuffs wut haz a flavr.”
59. But sum wuz Bad Kitteh! wuz ful of trubbels like, nok stuffs down, clawz furnitchur, chewz slippurz, poops on bedz. Dey wuz maed of fail an no dooed wut dey wuz telled. So down frum rewf ai sended lazer eyes of retribushun on 'em. Wuz OMG harbul, liek spray wiff fier hoez!
60. Doan furgit sum moar, Moses takeded a stik an banged on rok; wadder sploosheded out awl ovar, an da kittehs wuz all liek, OMGWTF? an wuz dancin wif invisabel pardnurs to keep paws dry, cuz wet fur DO NOT WANT. So yu kittehs, nom nom nom da fudz an lap lap lap da waddah an sproll sproll sproll fer naps an no be maekin trubbelz out in da yardz.


Since I haven't yet got to where I can open this blog up, I'm makin these scratchinz mostly with no feedback. I was kind of proud of v47-8, that's my best one. Verse 41 was tuff: What could be the cat equivalent of believing in what is revealed? “Cover truth with falsehood"? C'mon, they're cats. Halp!
A theological question: from a cat's perspective, what is a book? Something to lay on, for sure, but I could use some ideas on that. Lift up!

Killer Kittens?

Halp! Right here I got stuck, cause I realized there's a big problem. In the koran god is always sending people to hell and killing everybody. WTF? Lolcats are supposed to be snorgly and fuzzy and full of cutitude. How can you make genocide cuddly? Maybe it's not even possible to do this.

That's what I thought, and it held things up for a while. But that lazer eyes bit was a good save, I think; nao ai haz a purr. Will make mor scratchinz. Lift up!

Chapter 2 Teh Moocow

1. miaolooya.
2. A sleepen-papur, ai haz wun; wif ways for keep outta tha water and no gets losted.
3. Fer peeps dat noes cat stuffs, like skratch walls, and shed furz;
4. an iz all aloofkittehs.
5. Rewf Cat help dem gitz cheezburgrz
6. Kittehs dat doan liek, demz no kaer;
7. demz all sprolled out nappin. Iz tu bad.
8. An some kittehs iz all like, 'we folo Rewf Cat', but iz lulzpeek;
9. demz trai make lulz, but Rewfcat Iz Not Amuzed.
10. Dem haz haer balz an pewkz on cowch;
11. An wen yu growlz 'Bad Kitteh', dey iz all big aiz an cuteness,
12. but dey maeks trubbelz, srsly.
13. An wen yu yowlz 'giddoffadere', dey ignorz yu. Lolz!
14. Wen dey snif uther cat's butt n stuf, iz onlee act, srsly.
15. Demz iz teh suk. Rewf Cat DOAN LIEK.
16. Dumm, dey has it; liek if haz cheezburger an no eated it.
17. Or maek bonfier for tu see, wen efferbuddee noes kittehs sees in dark. Lol.
18. Demz is maed of Fayl,
19. mess wif Rewf Cat; no iz gud.
20. Cuz Rewf Cat iz FTW. Srsly.
21. Awww, kitnzs! Giv Rewf Cat liks on fur. Saem az on mommykitteh wen yu wuz babeecats.
22. Her makeded yur urf, fer yur napz. Her makeded cheezburgerz, so yu can haz fudz. (an makeded waters cum outta skai, but wuz lol. Sry.)
23. Iz mai buk. yu no lieks? rite own buk;
24. if no can, den yu haz a sad. Srsly.
25. Kittehs dat iz house-trained, miao at dem: Lolspeek abowt animabul sheldur; iz most big, most softist, haz most stuffs fer ta cliem, stuffs fer ta scratch; Haz cheezburgerz; Kittehs nom nom nom nom; Kittehs purr, ' mmmm, happee', rub on legz n stuffs. Iz more cats, but no haz fighten ur hissen.
26. Dawgs (DO NOT LIEK); Rewf Cat helpz em. An sum kittehs are like WTF? For wai yu du dat? But Rewf Cat no iz skeered,
27. kritters no byte, no haz trubbelz.
28. Hao yu no hart Rewf Cat? Her teh awsum! Can maeks you ded and bak agin. Nien tiems, Srsly.
29. Alla stuffs inna urf, Her makeded it. Smartz, Her has em.
30. Rewf Cat lolspeeked the birdcats: “Ai'z maken sum dood be on da urfs, gardin da stuffs.” An da birdcats lolspeeked “ZOMGWTF? Up heer, wee iz on yur stage, singen an playen and spreden the luv; Iz Woodstok furevur. An down on urfs, iz Blakwadur cat wif lazer eyes maken peeps go 'Blargh, ai iz died'? FOR WAI YU DO THAT? WAI? YU NO IZ KRAZEE? An Rewf Cat wuz all “LOLZ! Ai haz a secrut!”
31. Der wuz dis sky, naymd Addem. Rewf Cat maded him tu noes everting. Den Rewf Cat tooked ebberting-- fings liek a cookie, a strings, cheezburgerz—ebberting in da hoel wurlds; he satted dem all down bai da birdcats. Rewf Cat yowled, “Wazzat, Yo?”
32. Da birdcats sayed, “Ignertz, wee iz. Teh smarts, yu gots em. Srsly”
33. Den peep Addem lolspeeked wut naymz can haz ebberting; so birdcats no be stoopid. An Rewf Cat was liek, “lols! Alredy ai knowed dat!”
34. Den birdcats purred an rubbed peep Addem onna ankelz; Sept fer wun: Birdcat Iblis spitted and hissted, Srsly.
35. Moar ting. Two peeps iz in frunt-yard, eatin da fudz. Rewf Cat yowled, “Iz tree: No cliemz it, or yu has a trubbel. I haz lolspeeked!”
36. But peeps no lissened: Rewf Cat chased wif lazer eyes an big skeery toofs an klaws; Demz runned out sied.
37. Rewf Cat miaoed, “Oops, sry” (Her no iz growlee tomcat, rly)
38. “Ai goes on yur trail, peein on stuffs” lolspeeked Rewf Cat, “ Uze snifferz, no gets losted.”
39. “If no follo noezes, yu goes in alleewayz. Iz no gud.”
40. Kitnz! Yu no tern lazer eyes on mee, ai no tern lazer eyes on yu. Iz gud deal? Kthnxbai.

...and that seemed like a good stopping place. Lift up!

Why Rewfcat?

I don't know. It just seems right to keep them separate, so this new guy can develop his own personality or whatever.
Sum peeps lolspeek dat naym shud bee "ceiling cat". Ceiling cat iz in udder storee. Iz saym kitteh? Lol, doan noe; but cat in dis storee no hangz inna ceiling, iz tu hot. Iz inna dezurt, keepin kewl, hangs onna rewf where kewl breezuz blowz. Dat's for wai iz naymeded Rewfcat. Lol!

Coming up, that first bukkit of verses, 2:1-40. They've changed a little since they were first posted in the comments at Kafirgirl's blog, where this got started, and later on another blog. Have they found a good home? Lift up!

Chapter 1

Chapter 1 Teh Cat Door

1. Props to da Rewf Cat, OMG,
2. who iz purry n rubby;
3. an no do bad stufs,
4. wiff skerreh teefs and klawz.
5. Yu iz da boss uv us, srsly.
6. Yu herds us,
7. where yu has peed, not da naybor cats, or da strays. Lift up!

Genesis

Oh hai. In teh beginnin ai maded teh furst bukkit uv verses, but ai did not eated dem. Wuz gud. But no lolspeakers were translating the Koran. And I was a total n00b on the innerwebs. If I could make a blog of my own I'd have a place for my lolspeaks, and learn about blog stuffs, and the koran, and lolspeak too. Iz gud plan. So I putted my tail down and my ears back and I made this, and I putted my stuffs heer. But ai no haz a brave, so rite nao iz onlee praivut. Kittehs need tiem for git used to nu envaironoment. Soon, ai cum owt tu play, maybee udder kittehs halp. Lift up!